Why is the gym turning into Barnum and Bailey’s Ringling circus?, I’ve witnessed some stupid shit over the last year. There is this one cave troll, child eating monster who likes to gather up every known weight in the place and put it on his machine. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ripped the drinking fountain of the fucking wall and brought that over as well. After an hour of talking with everyone within a mile radius and looking at his meat arms from hell, he will finally attempt to lift something. It’s usually just one lift and a whole lot of screaming, then he’ll walk away, leaving some 98 pound kid to try to dismantle his battlefield of weights. And this guy has a shit load of friends that can barely fit through the door. I have nothing against being healthy and strong (I bench press my gym towel), but these guys are really taking it too far. I just wish for one day that I was a 900 beast, just one day. I’d start off my workout experience by driving my lifted Ford through the front door of the gym playing Godsmack, naturally. Then I’d put on my weight belt, gloves, ipod, chalk bag, bat belt and spray on tan, and be ready to dominate. I’d go find the biggest guy working out and slap him, leaving imprints of my massive sausage fingers across his face. After that I’d rip off my clothes like Beowulf and start squatting flat screen TV’s. that I stole from the locker room. At this point a 16 year employee would ask me to leave because my intestines are protruding from my ass, also known as “pink sock”, I’d respond by using him as more weight on my bench-press, this while I’m screaming as if I’m being murdered. If anyone looked at me wrong I’d tear a piece of my arm off and throw it at them, proving that I have enough to go around. All the hot girls would sit upon my chest as if they were bleacher seats. And if anyone asked me who I was, I’d tell them that I came from the mountains and have been eating raw bears while lifting giant fucking rocks. By the end of the day I’d probably have to load up the back of my truck with protein and chicken and find a giant blender to mix it all up, maybe a cement mixer. Just one day.

My hero. R.I.P, wait he’s still alive?

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