After hearing endless discussions about General David Petraeus, mostly referring to the man in the kind of hushed tones usually reserved for deceased foreign dignitaries, I have to say I was a bit disappointed when I finally saw his picture.

With a name like Petraeus, I don’t know, I kinda imagined a figure looking like he came straight out of Augustus Ceasar’s Roman Legions. The general gist I had put together of homeboy Petraeus was that he was like the last white-hat gunslinger, coming to clean up some bat guano town…you now, a mythic figure of what’s good and right about America and the World. Or at least someone pretty swarthy and a little menacing. Nope. Look at him. Dude looks more like Dana Carvey than the dude who’s gonna fix our problems in Iraq.

I mean, some rat-faced, sniveling-looking people can be the most fearsome death-bringers, but this is AMERICA. I want someone who looks like Schwarzenegger (circa 1989) and has the brooding/calculated look and persona of Clint Eastwood (circa 1975) to be my Republican-backed harbinger of destruction overseas. Shit, Admiral Akbar had more appearance of backbone than this guy.