I couldn’t have foreseen this in a million years. America’s pride and joy, the store that stocks both anti-depressants and shot gun shells, is leaning towards the right wing.

Wal-Mart has recently warned that if the Dems do win the presidential nomination, there’s a likelihood that it will be easier for workers to unionize larger companies. The superstore has always been known for it’s slave fair labor practices, and doesn’t see the need for it’s workers to form labor unions. Besides, who needs medical insurance and workman’s comp anyways?

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. is mobilizing its store managers and department supervisors around the country to warn that if Democrats win power in November, they’ll likely change federal law to make it easier for workers to unionize companies — including Wal-Mart.

In recent weeks, thousands of Wal-Mart store managers and department heads have been summoned to mandatory meetings at which the retailer stresses the downside for workers if stores were to be unionized.

According to about a dozen Wal-Mart employees who attended such meetings in seven states, Wal-Mart executives claim that employees at unionized stores would have to pay hefty union dues while getting nothing in return, and may have to go on strike without compensation. Also, unionization could mean fewer jobs as labor costs rise.

The actions by Wal-Mart — the nation’s largest private employer — reflect a growing concern among big business that a reinvigorated labor movement could reverse years of declining union membership. That could lead to higher payroll and health costs for companies already being hurt by rising fuel and commodities costs and the tough economic climate.

The Wal-Mart human-resources managers who run the meetings don’t specifically tell attendees how to vote in November’s election, but make it clear that voting for Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama would be tantamount to inviting unions in, according to Wal-Mart employees who attended gatherings in Maryland, Missouri and other states.

“The meeting leader said, ‘I am not telling you how to vote, but if the Democrats win, this bill will pass and you won’t have a vote on whether you want a union,’” said a Wal-Mart customer-service supervisor from Missouri. “I am not a stupid person. They were telling me how to vote,” she said.

America’s biggest employer, and the working conditions are pretty much intolerable… but hey, where else can you go and get XXL pants, camouflage night vision goggles and McDonalds at 3 in the morning?  SCORE!

Below is an ACTUAL job application that a 75-year-old man submitted to a Wal Mart in Arkansas. The senior citizen was hired because he is freakin’ hilarious. Who wouldn’t hire this guy based off the picture he sent with his application alone?

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
Will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be
Applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
Style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can
Haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
Post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
Intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do
You have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
Winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me…

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
Fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest
Thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE …7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Blogger Perez Hilton wants to use his “talents” to start a new record label and save the music industry. His first task will be to do whatever it takes to revive the CD. His ideas for doing so include lowering prices of CD’s to something like five dollars and creating large partnerships with worldwide companies. His main goal is to get the public to start purchasing music again. With all the easy ways to get free music and the availability of downloads I wonder if his ideas will take off?

He wants to follow in the footsteps of Apple, Inc. creating popularity for small-time bands and artists featured on their commercials, like Feist. His partnership ideas include teaming with such large corporations as Wal-Mart and Target. I’m not so sure how these corporations will feel about partnering with an obnoxious individual who got his name from socialite Paris Hilton.

For more info on Perez check out his juicy celeb rumors on his blog site: http://www.perezhilton.com

A fifteen-year-old boy has been lurking his local Wal-Mart store near Atlanta, Georgia for at least a year preying on women’s butts. This ass-biter has had numerous complaints and ten women have already filed police reports. He was recently going in for the kill at the Wal-Mart store when a past victim of his recognized the boy. They later saw him walking with relatives and reported his biting habit. Police believe more women who failed to report assault in the past will now come forward since the boy has been caught and recognized.
He was charged with four counts of sexual battery and facing more charges. This went on for almost an entire year! I think his punishment should be some sort of scarlet letter idea, like posting his photo around every Wal-Mart in Georgia with a big, bold ASS-BITER label. Little creep.

With the annual Earth Day celebrations set for next week, environmental consciousness seems to be all the rage . Personally though, there are few things that provoke such utter ambivalence in me than environmentalism and its status as a growing force in the global zeitgeist. It’s not that I don’t agree that something needs to be done. I think anyone with any shred of common sense realizes that the current model of “modern living” does not pencil out in the long run when you factor in the finite nature of not just our resources but also with the space in which we are working. However, acknowledging that “inconvenient truth” is one thing, but actually coming up with a solution, not to mention implementing it, is entirely another. Some people say the solution is to start “living green,” which is definitely a nice little slogan. And at face value, it has some merit. But in practice, it’s basically become nothing more than another way to do the same shit and feel better about it. It’s sort of like Christianity: It was founded upon a noble enough principle, but once the idea started to become the institution, shit started to get all fucked up. I mean, how many years did it take after Jesus supposedly taught everyone to love everyone else before dudes were killing people in his name? How many years has it been since the idea of “living green” came about before Wal-Mart changed their logo from blue to green, or Clorox started making Organic Bleach?
Another trait common amongst organized religions definitely shared by the Church of Green is the penchant for those who “believe” to merely select the parts of the church doctrine that they can most easily adhere to and blatantly ignore the rest, all while maintaining an air of piousness. It’s like the militant bike rider, railing against SUVs and cars as greenhouse gas-belching pollution machines, who doesn’t bat an eye about flying home three times a year to see the folks, spewing pollution directly into the upper atmosphere. Or how about the eco-conscious housewife, who makes sure to turn off the lights when she leaves a room to conserve energy and bought herself a Civic hybrid to cut back on emissions, but then serves her family burgers for dinner, the production of which released more greenhouse gases into the atmosphere than three hours of driving, and used up more energy than leaving a light on for 20 straight days, not to mention that disproportional amount of localized pollution created by large-scale meat farms and the role of overuse of antibiotics in the beef industry in creating antibiotic-resistant bacteria. I guess it’s the thought that counts, right?
I guess the moral of the story is, however popular the green meme has become, its actual utility is questionable at best. For now, living green will continue to be something you can buy at the store, use in your marketing campaign or learn as a college internship: an ideal. Carbon neutrality will continue to be something you buy on a Web site, like a Christian indulgence. It’s gonna take a lot more to kick mankind’s addiction to consumption than a few melted ice caps, killer hurricanes and deadly droughts. We need to hit rock bottom, man. I’m talking Old Testament style shit. People are too lazy and stupid to do what they actually know is right until they literally have no other choice. We’ll just keep building malls and damming rivers and jacking up our pickup trucks until our eyes are melting out of our fucking skulls and even then, we’ll just invent some better sunglasses, made from 25 percent post-consumer recycled plastic!

In Royal Palm Beach, Flordia a 70-year-old Wal Mart employee got pissed and beat the shit out of an 81-year-old Wal Mart employee with a price gun. Maybe they were fighting over the price of gas or the wonderful health care that Wal-Mart provides its’ employees.

From AP:

An arrest report say a 70-year-old man attacked an 81-year-old man with a pricing gun inside a Wal-Mart. The report says Dennis O’Brien and John Esposito began arguing Sunday and O’Brien swung at Esposito with the tool in his right hand.

Authorities say Esposito suffered a swollen left eye and cuts on his nose and mouth. Esposito said both he and O’Brien worked at Wal-Mart. He would not discuss the nature of their argument. The report says O’Brien told a sheriff’s deputy he acted in self-defense, but security tape showed O’Brien raising his hand first, striking Esposito in the face and then pushing him to the ground. Officials booked O’Brien into the Palm Beach County Jail on aggravated battery charges.

Nice.