What else is there to do on a rainy day off in Leeds? Youtube Van Halen videos, what else?

After “postponing” shows in Virigina and California for undisclosed reasons, Van Halen are finally putting their ill-fated tour out of its misery. According to TMZ, hotel bookings for the tour are already being cancelled:

We’re told arrangements are being made right now to cancel hotel stays for the tour — which was scheduled to continue through April 19th. Sources tell us the reason for the cancellation is Eddie — that he is having “issues.”

I think the real issue is that EVH realizes that he totally blew it by kicking Michael Anthony and his Jack Daniel’s bass out of the band. I mean, wouldn’t you miss this guy?

“Almost non-human.”

Valerie Bertinelli is currently drinking Eddie Van Halen’s Milkshake. Bertinelli recently broke her silence regarding the couple’s divorce and admitted that they split because they were both somewhat busy cheating on each other.

The Van Halen / Bertinelli divorce was finalized in December (just in time for Xmas) after 26 years of marriage.
“I cheated — He claims to this day that I cheated first, but I don’t know. I don’t know about the timing.” She’ll be detailing guitar solos, cheating, cocaine usage, hooking up with Steven Spielberg, being super hot back in the day, that other chick from One Day at a Time and Oprah (and her continued quest from world wide domination).

When asked she choose to divulge such personal details at this stage of her life Bertinelli said “I just figured, if they’re going to watch me lose 40 pounds and I’m going to be embarrassed that way, and there’s going to be fat-ass pictures of me with my butt hanging out in Hawaii, I thought, ‘Why not let the inner me out, too?’ Because the inner me is, I hope, prettier than the outer me.”

Did I mention she wrote a book too? I’m sure she’ll be plugging that as well…

Maybe the news of the Oprah appearance is why that show at the John Paul Jones Arena got cancelled… fuck it - might as well Jump:

Sit down Waldo, tonight’s Van Halen Concert at John Paul Jones Arena in Charlottesville, VA has been postponed. According to the Richmond Times Dispatch the band’s equipment trucks had already arrived at the venue, suggesting a last-minute catastrophe. Normally we would speculate cocaine/herion overdose, but the boys are getting up there in age; perhaps heart attack or stroke? Maybe Eddie Van Halen’s hair is suffering from exhaustion. Either way, countless Budweiser-fueled tailgate parties will be postponed until an undetermined later date. Same goes for Monday’s concert in Duluth, GA.

John Paul Jones could not be reached for comment. But I still think his production on Butthole Surfers’ Independent Worm Saloon was totally badass.

Whatever, you still can’t front on the drum intro to “Hot For Teacher.”

In other news, I haven’t seen how Eddie Van Halen looks in a bit. Let’s check in:

Eghad! Keith Richards he isn’t. I guess decades of rock doesn’t suit everybody well. Wicked Witch of the West over here.

We look forward to seeing this whole publicity stunt exploding in a fiery ball of deflated egos and hair plugs. A bald David Lee Roth back with a Michael Anthony-less Van Halen seems about as exciting as watching a young black man sing about Chocolate Rain. Oh, wait, maybe it will rule then!