[The following was written by Synthesis Weekly columnist Emilie Clark for our 6/16 issue. She can be reached at emilie@synthesis.net.]

Missing Harry

Remember last summer when Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out and you spent 36 hours reading it cover to cover? Well maybe that was just me, but I remember it fondly. And I’ll be honest that I’m a bit depressed this summer. I’m sitting on my couch and the weather is lovely and my living room is clean and I wish I had a big fat fantasy book here to share it with. But alas, Harry Potter’s story is over, for now at least. There is, however, plenty of Potter related news and things to comfort yourself with, if you’re so inclined.

Wizard People, Dear Reader: Many of you are probably familiar with Brad Neely’s viral video “Cox & Combes’ George Washington,” which tells the fantastical story of George Washington in song form. But Neely is also responsible for the most entertaining two hours I’ve spent in years. “Wizard People, Dear Reader” is an audio narration for the movie Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. You sync up the audio, which you can download online, with the DVD of the movie and then you prepare to laugh so hard that your cheeks hurt.

Neely provides a pointedly loose version of the events going on onscreen, verging from changing the names of virtually all of the characters to killing and resurrecting Hermione in a particularly touching scene. Not only is Neely one of the funniest people in existence, but I’m pretty sure he’s created a new form of art. Do yourself a favor and download the audio, rent the DVD, invite some friends over and watch this. You will most certainly not be disappointed.

After the jump, J.K. Rowling sues her fans, and commencement address at Harvard.
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Get this: one guy gets another guy to pose for him during a paternity test so that he won’t have to pay child support to his babymamma in Virginia. The reason? So his wife and children in Pennsylvania wouldn’t find out. Oh, and both men are officers in the US Army. Here’s to standing up for American values.

Full Article

CARLISLE, Pa. — Two high-ranking U.S. Army officers are accused of teaming up to deceive a paternity test so one of them could avoid making child-support payments.

When [Col. Scott] Carlson went to the domestic relations office in Cumberland County to deny paternity, he was told he would have to submit a DNA sample to show that he was not the father, officials said.

A month after that, officials said Carlson convinced Col. Bruce Adkins to pose as him and provide the DNA sample. The paternity test came back negative, but workers at the domestic relations office caught on to what was happening, officials said.

If convicted, the men face the possibility of prison time. Carlson is currently in Egypt. Adkins is stateside and is expected to turn himself in some time this week.

Officials said Carlson was trying to avoid paying the child support in Virginia because he was trying to keep the situation secret from his wife and children in Pennsylvania.