After over 100 years of in depth research and development, leading women’s magazine ‘Cosmopolitan‘ will be releasing a book that details ever possible way to please your man. The magazine, famed for displaying a strikingly large number of ways to make men more satisfied in every single issue of their publication, has compiled all their results over their years.

The front was put together by their tactile laboratory team, which is based out of their secret bomb-proof shelter in upstate New York. In the clip below, we get some insight on the new book. If you look hard enough at the lab assistant’s notebook, we can see some of the new developments found, such as “Just play with his balls’. Here’s the brief interview, conducted by a TOTALLY REAL news source.

‘Cosmopolitan’ Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

It’s hot here in Chico.  As many of us know, heat+hangover-cigarettes=certain doom. The walk down to the local Chevron station almost gave me a heat stroke. Isn’t it time that the government does something about the madness?

Well, they are. The Bush administration is taking an active pursuit to keep Americans in comfortable conditions, and they’re pulling out the big guns. In a detailed report from a legitimate news report, the government will soon be launching it’s $100 trillion program to put all of us complainers at ease during the hot summers. What exactly are they going to do?

WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised address reminiscent of President Kennedy’s historic 1961 speech pledging to put a man on the moon, President Bush responded to the global warming crisis Monday by calling for the construction of a giant national air conditioner by the year 2015.
Enlarge Image National Air Conditioner

“Climate change is real and it demands a real solution,” Bush said. “Therefore, I am committed to dedicating all of the technology, all of the brainpower, and all of the resources we need in order to keep America cool and comfortable well into the 21st century.”

The National Air Conditioner Initiative is expected to be the largest public works project in the nation’s history. Because technology capable of creating an air conditioner that can fulfill the cooling needs of a continental land mass does not presently exist, the president estimated that research and development alone will require at least $100 trillion in both federal and private sector funds.

“The challenge of building an air conditioner for all Americans will be the greatest we have ever faced,” Bush said. “But we must face it. We must act now to ensure that our children and our children’s children can live in a world where they don’t get sweaty and have to change their shirts all the time.”
Bush

While Bush’s speech left many questions unanswered, such as whether the one-touch cooling settings would be under federal or state jurisdiction, reaction from congressional Democrats and Republicans has been largely favorable.

Environmental groups like the Sierra Club have taken a tough stance on the president’s plan, demanding it contain legally binding language that ensures the air conditioner will be switched to a special energy-conserving “sleep” setting when the country cools off at night. The White House has shown interest in an “economy mode” option that could be used in the event of a budgetary crisis, but it is still unknown whether such a massive unit would qualify for an Energy Star certification, let alone accommodate built-in money-saving features.

Just got done posting a bunch of new reviews to the front page of this bitch, including DVD reviews for The Onion Movie: Revealing the Raw Truth and Cloverfield, and a bunch of new CD reviews including The Herbaliser, Abigail Washburn & The Sparrow Quartet and The Brakes. Yep. Oh yeah, and this was my face while I was posting them:

The Onion is my favorite source for fake news and when I found out about “The Onion Movie” I wanted to know why I hadn’t heard of it sooner. Maybe because the reviews go something like ‘it made me want to poke my eyes out’ or maybe because it went straight to DVD.

The film was created in 2003 and Fox Searchlight Pictures was planning to release it. It was originally called The Untitled Onion Movie but the directors and writer left the project. It was taken over by New Regency Productions in 2006, who hoped to bring it back to life. It took two more years to be released so I guess all anticipation was lost somewhere in those seven years. Here’s a little preview for you to make the decision if it’s worthy or not:

The Onion Movie Clip on YouTube

9/11 Conspiracy Theories ‘Ridiculous,’ Al Qaeda Says

“America’s Finest News Source” certainly lives up to its name. If you have more time to kill, you should check out their world atlas “Our Big Dumb World” if you haven’t already. It’s scathing satire on just about every country in the world. This week’s featured country is Kenya, which is described as a “natural breeding ground for the world’s top long-distance runners, who learn at a very early age the art of running as far away as they possibly can from Kenya.”