[The following was written by Synthesis Weekly columnist Emilie Clark. She can be reached at emilie@synthesis.net.]

Coming Soon

It’s a well-known fact that people like to adapt movies from books. It’s also a well-known fact that most of these efforts suck. So it’s my job to warn you about upcoming adaptations so you have ample time to read the book. This gives you the chance to complain about inconsistencies and general “suckiness” while still in the theater, making you look learned and therefore more attractive. You can thank me later.

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, July 4th: This is a documentary, so I guess it won’t really do to get mad about liberties taken with the adaptation. But it can’t hurt to read some of the famous Gonzo’s work if only for your own amusement. From the description it seems like the filmmakers are big fans, which can be bad in a documentary if you’re trying to eek out truth. The gist I get is that the point the film makes is that Thompson did what journalists are too afraid to do nowadays, namely get high and write caustic things about politicians. This may be true, but I easily tire of ‘60s and ‘70s nostalgia. Sure people were a bit crazier back then and I’m sure there are things to be learned from that era, but it’s over, so deal.

Journey To the Center of the Earth 3D, July 11th: Based on the classic Jules Verne novel about a rogue scientist who travels to, you guessed it, the center of the earth. According to Wikipedia, this novel didn’t age as well as some of Verne’s other works, because he was mostly wrong about what is contained in the center of the earth. However, none of that really matters because this movie is in 3D. And I will watch anything in 3D, even if it stars Brendan Fraser.

more upcoming adaptations after the jump.
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I hold with the utmost contention that Nickelback is the indeed the lamest mainstream rock band of the last 25 years. Lamer than Creed, lamer than Poison, lamer than even Limp Bizkit. I’m listening to “Rockstar” right now, and I just can’t believe it. Is there no limit to Nickelback’s level of cheese? A sample of lyrics:

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that like to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I’ll have the quesadilla, ha, ha)

The popularity of this band simply baffles me. All of their songs reek. I’m not saying they’re bad guys—they do what they can for charity and all that jazz. But their music is just the most absurd melodramatic bullshit imaginable. All The Right Reasons 7x platinum? Dear God. It’s all too much…