Watch George Bush answer a question on Iraq with incredible prowess.

[The following article, written by Bob Howard for Synthesis Weekly, was originally published in the print version of Synthesis on Monday, May 19th, 2008. He can be reached at bob@madbob.com]

Keep on Drinking
By Bob Howard

“Be it destiny or free will, there are those amongst us who might do the rest of society a favor by staying on the couch, taking bong rips and playing the latest version of Grand Theft Auto.”

A Long History of Stupid: I’ve just started reading a biography of long-time FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover, and as a result, I’m learning quite a lot about the history of this country and the tradition of our government cracking down on dissent. This latest episode of our history is far from the first time the Bill of Rights has been superseded and suspended in the name of “security.” I have yet to grasp the logic of suspending freedoms to ensure security when I thought that the whole thing we are trying to secure in the first place is freedom; but I digress.
Anyway, here are some interesting factoids I’ve picked up thus far: Remember when in protest of the French dissent against the “War on Terror” our Congress made the brilliant move of re-naming French Fries “Freedom Fries?” Seems like a pretty creative manifestation of nationalistic stupidity, right? Wrong. During World War I, our Congress re-named Sauerkraut “Liberty Cabbage.” Our current stupidity isn’t even original! How do you like that?

Think the threat of terrorism is a new thing? Wrong. Just prior to and then after World War I, the Red Scare developed. Anarchists and Communists were on the rise and there were actually a series of letter bombs and bomb attacks that riddled the nation’s capitol and industrial power figures.
These attacks lead to a complete abridgment of the freedoms granted in the Bill of Rights. Anyone suspected of being a communist, a socialist, or a sympathizer — essentially any Russian factory worker — was rounded up in mass arrests and many were unceremoniously deported so quickly that there wasn’t even time for an appeal.

More heartwarming thoughts after the jump. (more…)

Ahh publicity stunts. This one kind of comes as a shocker, considering these guys are pretty much on the top of their commercial gain to begin with.

Our favorite trend setters Fall Out Boy are making an attempt to break the most worthless world record ever; playing a show in all 7 continents in a span of under 9 months. The big question on everyone’s mind is, of course, how well the Antarctica show is going to do. Do polar bears rock swooped bangs and scene jeans? I digress…

From their website:

Fall Out Boy To Play Antarctica/March 23 Venue Change

Fall Out Boy will be attempting to set a Guinness World Record for the first band to play all seven continents in a time frame under nine months. The band kicked off the record in Johannesburg, South Africa late last summer, then toured through Europe, Asia, Australia and North America last fall. The South American show will take place in Santiago Chile on March 23, followed up by King George Island in Antarctica on March 25, where they hope to receive the Guinness World Record. In addition to setting a world record, the band will be working closely with Greenpeace for the concert in Antarctica to raise awareness about global warming.

According to a report from the Associated Press, a 35-year-old Kansas woman named Pam Babcock was pried from the toilet seat of her boyfriend’s bathroom after spending nearly two years there. Shockingly, her sojourn in the lavatory was one of choice and not forcible imprisonment according to her boyfriend Kory McFarren:

“It just kind of happened one day. She went in and had been in there a little while, the next time it was a little longer. Then she got it in her head she was going to stay — like it was a safe place for her.”

During Babcock’s stay in the bathroom her boyfriend brought her food and clothes and they even engaged in conversation. It was seemingly a normal relationship (except for the whole kidnapper dynamic). On February 27^th McFarren finally got a clue that something might be amiss and called the police to report that there was something “wrong” with his girlfriend. When authorities arrived however, Babcock was unwilling to cooperate:

It appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman’s skin had grown around the seat, said Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple. The woman initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”

It is currently unclear whether any charges will be brought against McFarren. He says he wasn’t forcing her to stay, and she didn’t want to leave, so I don’t see how he can really be charged with anything, except maybe negligent stupidity for not recognizing the problem sooner. My only question now is what did that bathroom look like? There had to be some form of entertainment in there, otherwise the lady would’ve gone crazy. Unless of course she was already crazy to begin with…

Thank God the Worlds smallest gun will not be sold in the United States, because if I were to die from a bullet wound from this piece of shit I’d like to be buried in the worlds smallest casket, wearing the worlds smallest suit. The gun is only 2.16 inches long but fires real bullets up to 367 feet. The gun would look great on a key chain, and while your fumbling for your house key you could blow off half your face. I think I remember these at Chuckie E. Cheese when I was a boy, I just couldn’t save up the needed 1.8 million tickets for it. Either way Patrick Swayze is dying from cancer and instead of finding the cure to save The Swaze we made a gun that looks like an elf penis.

Slow news day, I guess.

It isn’t rocket science, and it won’t free Americans from dependence on foreign oil, but an experiment in the Enterprise-Record parking lot proves that sweet things can come right off your car’s dashboard.

Anybody who has ever slid into a car that has been parked in the sunshine on a hot August day has thought or said, “This thing feels like an oven.”

That sense of oven-like temperatures inside the passenger compartment of a closed vehicle, led to a question.

Can you bake cookies in that oven?

War? AG Gonzales resignation? Economy woes? Nahh..that stuff is boring and depressing.

Our local fishwrap is a joke.

You heard me. The Enterprise Record is weak.
We’re not winning any awards over here either, but, we’re a young pop-culture outlet/bar mag.
Sad.

Full Story: It’s official: You can bake cookies in a hot vehicle!