In a totally <sarcasm>surprising</sarcasm> move Apple honcho Steve Jobs announced the new iPhone today in San Francisco during his keynote speech at the World Wide Developers Conference. Among the other features will be built-in GPS, 3G data network access and, best of all, a lower price: $199 for the 8gb, $299 for the 16gb.

I cannot wait. I’m going to get my hands on one of those new puppies asap. I’m not the only one, either. Several people in this office have been complaining about their phones sucking lately, enough to make me suspicious of Apple for some kind of iPhone conspiracy. Maybe Steve Jobs hired some secret team of geniuses to hack the mobile signals from the satellites or some shit because everyone’s phones here keep randomly shutting off. I, myself, have been without a working cell phone for like 5 days now because my charger has mysteriously disappeared. Damn gnomes.

I’m not even going to buy a new charger. I’m re-virginizing myself until the day I get my iPhone and we spend our first night together, touching buttons and exploring all its bells and whistles. Damn, I just checked and I guess it’s not going to be available until July 11th. Wahhh!!!!!!!!

I sat here this morning on pins and needles, constantly clicking the “refresh” button on my POS PC’s web browser dreaming of being at the Macworld 2008 exhibit… and marrying Steve Jobs.

iWant.

The biggest thing that was announced during the keynote speech was not a new version of the iPhone, like I was hoping for. (What glee I would have gotten from seeing all my coworkers who just bought the new iPhone be one-upped by my purchase of a newer, BETTER iPhone). No, it was the MacBook Air that stole the show in all it’s 0.16 inch glory. DDDDDAMM, son. I don’t know how they do it. The people that work for Apple are of a magical kind. Here’s the deets…

It’s got a 13.3-inch display, and it’s LED backlit. It has the same built-in iSight camera as the other notebooks, and it’s got what Jobs claims is a full-size keyboard, which is also backlit. The trackpad is “generous,” and it has multitouch gesture support that expands upon the gesture support already present in MacBooks. Double-tapping moves a whole window, rather than just the cursor. Moving around a photo is like on the iPhone, a two-finger approach on the touchpad when viewing a photo. Pinching, as well, zooms in and out of photos, just like on the iPhone. 1.8-inch hard drive, just like the iPod Classic. This one ships with 80GBs, and you’ve got the option of a “pricey” 64GB solid-state drive. It’s also got a very slim motherboard. This system uses Intel’s Core 2 Duo, running at 1.6GHz standard, and you can go to 1.8GHz. It’s not clear if that’s an ultra-low voltage version or a standard version. wireless feature that allows Macs or even PCs to share optical drives. MacBook Air has MagSafe, a smaller power adapter, and the usual ports. 802.11n ships standard with the new MacBook, plus Bluetooth 2.1 and EDR. No optical drive is built-in, but Apple designed a $99 add-on optical drive if you really need it. The MacBook Air’s Remote Disk feature would allow you to install software from a neighboring (assuming it’s friendly) Mac or PC’s optical drive. It weighs 3 pounds, comes with 2GBs of memory standard, an 80GB standard hard drive, and 802.11n. It’s going to cost $1,799 in that configuration.

(Credit: Daniel Terdiman/CNET News.com)

HP, eat your heart out. And I’m off to find myself a sugar-daddy.

Indeed the kind of things technophiles beat off to, Steve Jobs just hosted Apple’s The Beat Goes On event, where he talked about iUniverse and iMeaningOfLife via the new iPod nanos. And Starbucks. And this shit:

Eat that price tag, early adapters!

Here’s a well crafted Play-By-Play of the event.

Still, Jobs fails to explain who the fuck wants to watch a movie on a 2-inch screen. It boggles my mind….