I don’t know why, but everyone’s been tuning into this blog about the dissection of a giant squid. Takes me right back to Marine Biology, 10th grade. My lab partner was a lesbian and way too interested in the dissection of squid.

Getting killed by a zombie is number two on my list of ways I don’t want to die (close behind being eaten by a giant squid). Still, it’d be fun to know what I’d look like if I were to become a bloodthirsty undead monster. Send illustrator Rob Sacchetto a simple head shot, and he will create a gruesome portrait of you as a member of the walking dead — for just $80. If any of you were wondering what to get me as the perfect Christmas gift, you can stop wondering.

So it’s summer, eh? Most people are talking about camping, visiting the beach, swimming, and joining in on the coolest trend around, skin cancer. Stupid people. It’s summer. Stay home, enjoy air conditioning, because you never know what’s out there.

Nature is dirty. Ew times infinity plus twelve. I don’t like camping. There’s nothing too wonderful about laying on the ground, freezing your ass off, and having to pee in a bush. Plus there’s bugs, dirt, heat, bears, rain… and camping on the beach? No freakin’ way! Camping on the beach just includes freezing cold wind, rising tides, having to dig a hole in the sand to pee, sharks, and jellyfish. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that jellyfish are terrifying. I’m not down with that..

And now, just another reason to avoid the ocean.

Uh. No. This 550 pound monster just washed up on a beach in Australia. This is worse than “Jaws”. Say it with me.. hell to the naw. Nuh uh. Not going in the water. Screw that. Ew. Ick. Blegh. Barf. No. I’m definitely not down for that.

As for you other campers.. two words. Big. Foot. Seen at Lake Oroville as recently as three years ago. You know he’s sticking around for all those Chico State hawties.