In honor of season 4 of Weeds starting June 16 at 10 p.m. I thought I’d bring ya’ll back to the beginning (& I love Kevin Nealon)! Catch up on Weeds tonight at 9 p.m. on Showtime.

So there’s this bum hangout right around the corner from the Synthesis office. It’s like this shelter for young adults who want to sit around all day smoking cigarettes and hanging on the couch in the air conditioning with their pit bull mix instead of, well, anything else. Today on my way to get coffee, Dain and I walked by this young derelict who asks, almost as an afterthought, if he could bum a cigarette. It might have been a cold move, but this was my response:

I think singing one bar of the The Silhouettes’ “Get a Job” got my point across.

Being a dick is awesome.

April 20th has come and gone, but not before it saw thousands of adolescents across the country tokin’ up and getting down with some fine herb. If you happened to partake in the festivities however, you may want to be wary. A bout of lead poisoning in Leipzig, Germany baffled doctors and it looks like Mary Jane was to blame.

According to a report in the New England Journal of Medicine, over the past 3-4 months about 29 incidents of lead poisoning were reported in the Leipzig area. This alarmed city officials, as Leipzig has been lead poison free in recent decades, and they were eager to discover the cause of the poisoning in case a public threat were imminent. Finally after probing the victims for background information, the culprit was revealed…

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I was pretty clear on what I was about to write until I got back on the dock and realized that my 24 hour $11 internet connection had prematurley expired, so we are free balling this one.

First and foremost, however, BALLS. Bollocks, if you will.

Sadly, Jill (whom I mentioned from a previous post) never made it to the dock for our tentative cigarette/wine date. The pleasant news, however, is that following Saturday night’s Spin/American Spirit SXSW after party featuring my new band I’m in, Soundtrack of Our Lives (I hope to get more into that bit later…), I ran into Karen (formerly indifferent) and Al (formerly cunt-y) outside the venue. Karen was far more warm, and Al was absolutely chagrin about his behaviour the night prior (”U” intentional, they’re from the UK, after all). Al was sweet, sheepish and apologetic for his caustic discourse. I gave him a bit more good-natured ribbing and once Jill appeared from the closing venue, we all walked back to the hotel together, quickly figuring out we were staying on the same floor. I was drunk….very drunk….and decidedly less charming than the previous night. Still, Jill asked if I was married, so I took that optimistically as a good sign. We made tentative plans to repeat Friday’s late-nite dock circle.

I feel a bit sick at the moment. My Synthesis compatriots have left me by myself on the dock hours ago, a slave to insomnia and the hopes of a brief snogging encounter with one leggy British heart-thief. Regardless, I still just had a rather cathartic ending to my SXSW, 2008. No, not the bats underneath the bridge (though they were pretty spectacular), but the crashing destruction of a former life.

Way back when, I used to own and operate a car windshield repair service, GlassMan out of Sacramento, CA. I fixed rock chips and installed new windows on cars and trucks. As I lay on the hammock behind the 8.5 Weeks Hotel (formerly the 4 Seasons Hotel…we really trashed the joint and brought the place to an all new low) I watched on as a dozen men manipulated a 15′ x 12′ glass window to its new home. As I chatted with one of the glass workers operating away from the action, I heard the thunderous and sadly familiar roar of hundreds of pounds of glass shattering to the concrete. Though unfortunate for the glass company, that Shiva-approved demolition of clear, perfect glass proved to be the perfect capstone to the most prolific (personally) SXSW I’ve had the pleasure of participating in. And that shattering destruction wasn’t even caused by me, though I had momentarily considered launching my mostly empty bottle of Japanese plum wine through its flawless double-planed beauty.

Victory or Death my friends, victory or death. I am sure I had more to talk about, but the post is long and mainly without original pictures…fucking broken camera.

Oh, and for the record, Shannon at Touche bar on 6th street is the radest provider of libations I’ve ever met. Sorry Duffy’s, you’ve been served. /pun

OOOh, I just saw a bat………. And I just puked. First time during sxsw08. Glad Jill didn’t make it after all to see me in this state. Drunkorexia!!!!!!!!!!!!1!111!!!!danieltaylor!!!111!!!

Motherfucking Bill Motherfucking Hicks.

First things first. If you don’t know who this man is, type the name”Bill Hicks” into YouTube. Then TURN OFF THE COMPUTER, GO TO THE NEAREST VIDEO STORE and RENT Sane Man, then BUY this:

This is what I fell asleep to (somehow) the night before setting off for SXSW. I did manage to fall asleep, but man, hard to do with Bill’s ranting brilliance. Raised in Houston, TX by conservative parents, he soon fostered one of the most brilliant minds in modern philosophy. But he used stand up comedy as the sugar coating. Totally brilliant. He’s coughing up a phlegm gem in heaven right now. Cause of Death? Not ironical, cancer. He was a heavy smoker. I’ll light one for Bill in a second, but in the meantime, watch this shit.

Oh, and did I mention, everything Bill said in the late ’80s/early ’90s eerily repeated itself over the last eight years. Talk about prophetic. That’s some staying power.

Among the many freebies at the SXSW Austin Convention Center, there’s one stand that towers over the others in terms of importances: free smokes care of American Spirit. Helping singers attain that delightful rasp and writers calm their fried nerves, American Spirit has been lacing up anyone who ventures onto the 2nd floor smoking patio.

They were certainly one of the highlights of my 2006 SXSW podcasts (available for your listening pleasure at Synthesis Radio. Hi Dain! Sweet plug, eh? Balls!), and are continuing to help me through my nights and make me feel like a coal miner in the morning. (I mean that in a good way.) After last night’s chain smoking mania I’ve switched to their Ultra Lights. Hopefully, less phlegm gems that way.

Did You Know: American Spirits don’t have preservatives, so it’s best to keep them in the fridge after you open a pack. I had no idea. Kinda makes sense, but honestly, I don’t see myself crowding my condiments with cigarette packs.

Did You Know: You shouldn’t pack your pack. They come pre-packed, so by tapping the box it’s actually going to make the stick harder to light. Did not know that, but I suck at packing my smokes anyway. They also have 25% more tobacco than other “king sized cigarettes.”

Did You Know: They are the only American cigarette that has “no chemicals,” as they say. (Fishy. Isn’t nicotine technically a chemical? Any chemists out there please set me straight if I’m wrong on this.)

Did You Know: Smoking is still really shitty for you. No way around that. But at least here at SXSW, that cancer is free and they’ll give you two packs if you talk them up, four if you mention that you’re about to blog about them…

Here’s to slow, delicious suicide: