With all the buzz around Sex and the City, and how everyone kept telling me, ‘No! You’ll love it! Its amazing!‘, I wanted to shed a little light on the topic from a man’s view. Before you start, this post is totally TL;DR.

Tuesday evening started like most evenings, minus me being sober at 8pm. I quickly discovered that this was my first mistake of the evening. My girlfriend and I were strolling into the movies, half debating what to see. I was pushing for The Strangers, her for Sex and the City. Of course, me being a submissive bitch, I quickly conceded knowing that at least I might see a nipple or two.

After standing in line for popcorn for 15 minutes, we hop into the theater. I would later discover that not getting the extra large tub was my second mistake. We’ll talk more about that later. The previews were worthless; Will Smith is some shitty super hero, some robot named Wallee is apparently hilarious to the group of women to my right ( HAHAHAHA HIS NAME IS SPELLED WALL-EE!!!one!!! HAHAH!). I look down at the popcorn and realized I over salted it, and the butter was too greasy. This would be my focus for the next 3 hours.

The movie starts….

Warning: Spoiler alert after the jump!
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While doing research for my last post (and, for the record, typing “jail rape” into a Google Image search counts as research here at Synthesis blog…hey, I just set precedent!!!), I happened to stumble on the best Web site on the internet.

MS Paint Porn (www.mspaintporn.net/) is just as its name implies: crudely rendered pornographic scenes drawn in MS Paint. Its categories run the expected (hardcore, softcore, oral, etc) to the more extreme (BSDM, anal, incest, etc.) to the TOTALLY AWESOME (Robot, Alien, Metaphysical, Pirate, etc.).

I know what I’ll be doing the rest of the day:Masturbating until I cum dust. More rad pics after the jump: (more…)

The Lord Our Righteousness Church is a tiny apocalyptic offshoot of the Seventh Day Adventist Church and tallies about 50 lunatics out in “Strong City,” New Mexico. These people follow a man named Wayne Bent, also known as Michael Travesser, who claims to be the messiah. The group believed that the world was coming to an end October 31st, 2007 (what a disappointing Halloween that must have been). Apparently Bent was informed by God himself in 2000 that he was indeed the second coming of Christ, the “Messiah.”

The LORC was documented in a film by National Geographic called Inside A Cult, in which Bent admitted that female members of the church lie naked with him, though without sex. Many followers have split over the years due to Bent’s apparent insistence on sexual matters regarding underage girls, such as sleeping with virgins. Bent has now been arrested on sex charges after two young girls and a boy were removed from the church last month. In response, the enlightened Wayne Bent had this to say:

“Jesus had not committed any crimes, so the authorities had to invent some crimes to crucify him over. It is the same for me also. I have committed no crimes, but many crimes are being imagined and concocted in the minds of men to try and kill me again. Men are so stupid, though, for they do not know that they cannot kill Spirit.”

And when questioned as to why women were required to lay naked with him, a more direct assertion: “It was God. God came down and told them to do it.” Sounds like Wayne Bent is a perfectly reasonable individual. Perhaps while he spends Christmas in jail this year his followers will send him that elusive sack of marbles he’s been searching for.

I’m not exactly sure what Donkey Style is, but I’ve got a few guesses. Maybe the Brazilian kids in Cansei de Ser Sexy (CSS) can help clue me in. The follow up to their 2006 self-titled release will be called Donkey and is set to hit stores July 21st.

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Please excuse the pun, but I’ve never quite been able to wrap my head around jack-off machines. Who exactly were these made for? For those too busy to jerk themselves off? Too lazy? Those with fear of touching their own genitals? Personally speaking, I’ve never had a problem doing it manually, or with a partner, but I am apparently part of a predominant, yet shrinking market.

There are certainly Western-devised devices for similar methods of stress relief (I think my ex-roommate starred in one or two of those movies)…However, our Easterly neighbors in Japan present a truly stylish way to jerk-off electronically:

See? From Som’s Engrish Web Site:

“SOM” is our company’s original, high spec machine. You should experience its real satisfaction has never existed. It is possible to use with domestic power supply(100V). For long term use, make materials under the complete manners. If you have any trouble, we will guarantee the maintenance for free. We are sure of the super-satisfaction much more than it’s price

Oh well, so much for propagation of the species. Be sure to “make materials under the complete manners.” SOM comes in men’s, women’s and “PETIT” which we can only assume is built for your pets…

Continuing our coverage of turtles partaking in HILARIOUS Human vices, we bring you TURTLES BOINKING.

Listen to them knock boots, er, shells. And the Noises at the end? Anyone else fighting the urge to excuse yourself and, uh, “take care of business?”

Thanks MusicismyBoyfriend Blog, that shit is tight. TURTLE POWER!