For just $29.95!!111. Or, if you’re not a complete dumbfuck you can just watch the teaser clips over at Valleywag and see for yourself Gene Simmons fucks like your dad, only less cool. I mean, the broad involved in this sex tape (who by the way is definitely not Gene Simmons’ wife Shannon Tweed) is probably a little bit hotter than your mom, but her fake tits and obvious physical revulsion at Simmons’ seasoned physique makes this video about the hardest thing to fap to since that video of the dogs being skinned alive I posted awhile back. Anyways, moving on…

I am sitting here, seriously almost barfing at this news: The Gene Simmons Sex Tape. I couldn’t really stand his pervertedness on his reality show, Family Jewels. Now I have to hear about a mega-gross sex tape?! Nassty.

A website is purportedly hosting a sex tape featuring the 59-year-old Simmons with a blonde model named Elsa. For a mere $10 US, KISS fans can allegedly watch the aging lothario get it on in all his nasty glory at GenesSecret.com, which features a short trailer of the clip on its homepage.

Elsa is a spokesmodel for Frank’s Energy Drink, which claims to “keep you yodeling all night long!” and is endorsed by Gene Simmons. Ha! You can’t make this shit up, people.

If you haven’t heard already theres a possibly fake sex video of White Stripes drummer Meg White floating around the web. If you can remember back a week or so ago, the Stripes cancelled the remainder of the 2007 tour due to Meg’s anxiety related issues. Possible connection? Who knows. All I know is if it is Meg, this isn’t her at her best, and unless shes gained a few pretty quickly, I doubt its her. I’m not going to post the actual link, but I’m sure a couple of tries on google and you can see for yourself.

The Synthesis has been reviewing the tape over and over and over in hopes to determine its accuracey, but we’re still unsure… we’ll keep watching until we figure it out.