Dolly Parton is apparently not too thrilled about being the subject of one of Howard Stern’s trademark audio book remixes:

Country legend Dolly Parton isn’t flattered by a recent Howard Stern parody, in which the satellite radio host mashed up Parton quotes to make it sound as if the singer were spewing offensive and racist remarks. In a post on her official website, Parton is quoted as saying she has “never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated” in her life, and even hints and at potentially suing the shock jock.

Check out the clip in question below. I think it’s funnier than shit, but I’m also a fucking asshole.

A new NASA study, using advances in satellite technology, has finally been able to measure the long-rumored drift of pollution from China and other East Asian countries, into North America:

“We used the latest satellite capabilities to distinguish industrial pollution and smoke from dust transported to the western regions of North America from East Asia. Looking at four years of data from 2002 to 2005 we estimated the amount of pollution arriving in North America to be equivalent to about 15 percent of local emissions of the U.S. and Canada,” said Hongbin Yu, an associate research scientist of the University of Maryland Baltimore County working at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Md. “This is a significant percentage at a time when the U.S. is trying to decrease pollution emissions to boost overall air quality. This means that any reduction in our emissions may be offset by the pollution aerosols coming from East Asia and other regions.”

So basically, we could all live clean as Oregon hippies and we’d still breathing in the toxic exhaust of Chinese factories. But hey, at least we can buy CHEAP ELECTRONICS AT WAL-MART!!!!!111 We can enjoy our last days dying of cancer, watching Planet Earth on FUCKING BLU-RAY! OMG HIGH RESOLUTION!!1:

With so many of Earth’s natural wonders on display, it’s only fitting that the final DVD in this five-disc set is devoted to Planet Earth: The Future, a separate three-part series in which a global array of experts is assembled to discuss issues of conservation, protection of delicate ecosystems, and the socio-economic benefits of understanding nature as a commodity that returns trillions of dollars in value at no cost to Earth’s human population. At a time when the multiple threats of global warming should be obvious to all, let’s give Sir David the last word, from the closing of Planet Earth’s final episode: “We can now destroy or we can cherish–the choice is ours.”

One wonders, if fucking Sir David took the time to figure out that by the time you’ve got your Blu-Ray player hooked up to your Wal-Mart television and you’re playing your FIVE-disc Planet Earth set, you’ve already made the choice? After all, there’s an even higher resolution available when you’re trying to check out nature: its called OUTSIDE. Maybe if we tried marketing that shit on TV it’d become a little more popular.

Remember that crazy rogue satellite that was threatening to fall back to earth and cause all sorts of lulz by spreading ultra-toxic hydrazine rocket fuel over populated areas? And remember that time the US Navy shot it down with a missile, as seen in the video above, allowing every one to live happily ever after in absolute safety from falling space junk? Well apparently, it’s not quite that cut and dry:

Last week’s Pentagon operation to bring down a falling spy satellite may have been widely termed a “shootdown” of precision accuracy — but the reality is more complex, and much messier.

The article goes on to explain “5 myths” surrounding the Satellite “shootdown,” the first of which is the idea that the satellite was shot down in the first place:

Myth No. 1: The Navy missile shot down the satellite.

Reality: Hitting a satellite with a missile is not at all like hitting a bird with a bullet and watching it plummet to the ground. An orbiting satellite stays in orbit not because of its power or guidance, but merely because of its forward speed. An attack that does not substantially change that orbital velocity cannot drive the satellite out of orbit, no matter how much physical damage it does.

The only practical way to remove such targets from orbit is by slowing them down. In practice, that occurs as a result of air drag, an effect that can take hours, weeks, or centuries depending on the thickness of the air at the satellite’s altitude. Breaking a big spacecraft into smaller pieces does increase the effects of air drag — as demonstrated dramatically last week — but it is the key role of air drag that makes the critical causal link between “shooting” and “downing” the target.

Worth checking out if, like me, you’re at all concerned about shit falling out of the sky on your fucking head.

Despite sounding less than optimistic about their plan to blow up an errant satellite threatening to come back to earth and kill a bunch of Earth people with its deadly rocket fuel, the US Navy successfully shot down the satellite with a SM-3 missle Wednesday, saying with “high confidence” that the missile destroyed the satellite’s fuel tank. Check out the footage and feel warm in the knowledge that our trillions of dollars in defense budgeting are being used to keep us safe….from our own satellites.

According to the highly reputable Vice Admiral Unnamed Official the US Navy has chosen this Thursday, February 20th as the day to shoot down a faulty spy satellite whose impending fall back to earth has guaranteed many lulz in the form of dispensing “potentially deadly fumes over an area the size of two football fields”:

The Navy plans to fire at the satellite as it enters Earth’s atmosphere at an altitude of about 150 miles. Officials want the missile to hit the edge of the atmosphere to ensure debris re-enters and burns up quickly.The option of striking the satellite with a missile launched from an Aegis cruiser was decided upon by President Bush after consultation with several government and military officials and aerospace experts, said Deputy National Security Adviser James Jeffrey. NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said there’s nothing the military can do to make the outcome worse. “If we miss, nothing changes. If we shoot and barely touch it, the satellite is just barely in orbit” and would still burn up somewhat in the atmosphere, Griffin said.   

The source also added that the mission is being carried out so early - the satellite is not set to come down on its own until March - because “the idea is to leave as much time as possible so a second attempt could be made if necessary.” Is it just me or do they not sound too confident about this little mission being a slam dunk? On the bright side it’s only gonna cost us around $60 million, which is about the cost of one day of the Iraq war, or free college educations for thousands of inner-city children who will now probably end up drug addicts or derelicts with no chance of making it. But hey, at least we all won’t be sipping on hydrazine. Hopefully.