STOPWHATYOUREDOING! GETINDOORS! FUCKINGMEASLESOUTBREAK! FOXNEWSREPORTS! BUYMOREONLINEDONTGOOUTDOORS! MEASLES!

measles!

Reuters — The biggest U.S. outbreak of measles since 1997 has sickened 127 people in 15 states, most of whom were not vaccinated against the highly contagious viral illness, federal health officials said on Wednesday.

MEASLES!

Former Senator George Mitchell’s report on the widespread use of steroids in Major League Baseball was finally released today. Over 409 pages it basically says what most people already know, that most any decent baseball player of the last two decades was so juiced on roids that his balls were probably the size of seedless grapes:

“Everyone involved in baseball over the past two decades - commissioners, club officials, the players’ association and players - shares to some extent the responsibility for the steroids era,” Mitchell said. “There was a collective failure to recognize the problem as it emerged and to deal with it early on.”

For added lulz, the report named names, listing 75 players who were shown to have used Performance Enhancing drugs, including Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada, Kevin Brown, Benito Santiago, Lenny Dykstra, Chuck Knoblauch, David Justice, Mo Vaughn and Andy Pettitte. LENNY!!!?? Say it ain’t so! Full list after the jump:

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