In defiance against both the will of man and God, somehow Jenna Jameson has conceived a child. This is a shocking twist of events in the scientific community, as a team of NASA engineers routinely goes into her uterus and sterilizes with flamethrowers.

She’s apparently pretty stoked on the whole issue, though. From the internetz:

“She had a bunch of meetings and things planned for Fashion Week, including meetings for her own line, but she’s postponed everything,” said our source. “She’s completely thrilled, this is something she’s wanted for a very long time.” Jameson miscarried during her marriage to Jay Grdina, whom she divorced in 2006. She also once failed with in vitro.

Her boyfriend, UFC badass Tito Ortitz, is probably someone that would take offense to internet goons bashing his girlfriend and baby, so in the spirit of goodwill, CONGRATULATIONS!

For all those awaiting Ashlee Simpson’s summer tour starting on June 9th, it seems as though your hearts may be broken. Citing the following reasons under “The Dog Ate My Tour” on her website, the coming tour will be canceled. And I quote…

1. jury duty (but you can get out of jury duty once)
2. creative differences (but I’m a solo artist so that didn’t make sense)
3. not in the mood/have a headache (wait, that was an excuse for Pete! and it didn’t work. See next reason)
4. the baby

It must be a nice luxury to cancel a tour at the drop of a hat. I’m sure it would have been a real taxing grind to sit on a luxurious tour bus all day for a month straight. Never mind the legions of moms-to-be that work 40 hours a week up until the week before they give birth. Simpson leads a tough life.

Whether getting busted for booze (twice) or fueling pre-marital pregnancy rumors with poor fashion choices, Jenna Bush has always been the headline grabber of President Bush’s two lovely daughters, and last night was no different. As a guest on Larry King Live last night, Jenna came clean and admitted that she will not necessarily vote for John McCain in the fall election, and might instead opt for either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. Whatever with that though, the real news is that apparently those infamous beach photos aren’t actually her…bahh. But hey, its the internet, so we can all just pretend from now on and eventually, everyone will believe its the truth. AH MEMETICS!

Rumors have been circling for a while, but now the truth has been confirmed and fifteen-year-old, emo-core, teenyboppers everywhere will be slitting their wrists today.

As reported on friendsorenemies.com:

“We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us.”
- Ashlee and Pete

It’s a little said that cute little Simpson sister is off the market, but to be honest I lost interest after the nose job. As usual there is some speculation that Simpson is preggers, so be on the lookout for that fall out boy baby bump.

Check out the cover of Star Magazine:

That’s right, folks. Britney Spears is presumably preggo again with her paparazzo boyfriend (husband?) Adnan Ghali as the baby’s daddy. (I read that they exchanged marriage vows in Rosarito Beach, Mexico a few weeks ago, but I’m not sure because he’s still technically married to Azlynn Berry.) If this is the case, no one should be surprised. I’m sure Adnan is celebrating with his Cristal thinking, “Man, I just won the lottery.” But I doubt it. America would be terribly disappointed in the judicial system if they gave the baby to Adnan and made Brit pay child support. Right? RIGHT, AMERICA?

Here is your fun fact for the day: In West Virginia, more than a quarter of expectant mothers are ciggarette smokers, a number that is almost three times higher than the national average. But they’ve got good reason not to quit, because, as many claim, smoking while pregnant makes giving birth “easier.” I am sure that this theory is based on sound evidence. There is no way that, perhaps, these women just don’t feel as if they can handle quitting, with all the stress they are already under with their pregnancy, right? Pregnancy does instigate a perfect storm of raging hormones and physical pain, but that doesn’t excuse introducing extremely harmful toxins and poisins into your baby’s developing system. Because, unless you have some serious mental handicap, you should have had the sense to use some sort of protection when you engaged in that blissful act of physical passion, if you didn’t want the responsibility of carrying a life inside you. If said sense, for whatever reason, was not utilized, then you just have to grow the fuck up, I guess, and give up some things you may not really want to. Such is life. Let me digress here for a moment, and add that half the people that procreate shouldn’t, for a variety of reasons. Ever seen the Mike Judge film Idiocracy? That’s where we are headed, people. Dumbasses, like women who smoke while pregnant, breeding what will surely be more dumbasses. In surmation, I have two final words for the pregnant smokers in West Virginia, as well as all others across the globe: FUCK YOU.