Former Saturday Night Live cast member Cheri Oteri’s father was murdered by his roommate Richard Fagan on, chillingly, Saturday night. Gataeno Thomas “Tom” Oteri was a Nashville music producer that had collaborated with Fagan on several songs. Fagan was pulled over for DUI shortly after the murder. He told the police he and Oteri had gotten in an argument and he had slashed Oteri across the chest with a pocket knife before leaving the scene. Tom Oteri died at 69 due to a wrist laceration. Both men were drunk at the time of the fight. Synthesis’ condolences go out to Cheri Oteri.

Denver Nuggets All-Star Carmelo Anthony was arrested yesterday morning on charges of drunk driving after weaving in traffic and failing to pass a field sobriety test.

The two-time All-Star, 23, failed a series of field sobriety tests and was taken to a Denver Police Department lockup where he consented to a blood test and posed for the [above] mug shot. The Smoking Gun

Carmelo was later released to a “sober responsible party,” and has a court dater set for May 14th. News of this incident shouldn’t come as any surprise. Anthony’s past is littered with controversy. In 2004 he was cited for marijuana possession, although his friend, James Cunningham, signed an affidavit assuming responsibility for the incident and in 2006 he took part in the infamous Knicks-Nuggets Brawl at Madison Square Garden.

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Poor thing… Just out on the prowl for some young specimen, and the police have to corner her in an alley. And shoot her.

From AP:

Chicago police say an officer has killed a 150-pound cougar in a residential area on the city’s North Side.

Police say several residents reporting seeing the cat early Monday and the officer shot the animal in an alley.

I imagine the cougar’s sighting was a direct result of habitat loss.

For a good guide on how to recognize and make safe contact with a cougar, please consult the Bachelor Guy Guide to Milfs and Cougars:

Habitat: When not at work selling real estate or styling hair, they can often be found in clubs with names like “City Lights” and “Hot Chocolate”, listening to the sounds of Gloria Gaynor and the Pointer Sisters.

I do have some qualms with AP’s article, though:

Authorities say the cougar will be checked for any markings, chips or tags that would show if it was someone’s pet rather than a wild animal.

From The Bachelor Guy:

Wearing a few battle scars from past tussles, the cougar is all about excess. Look for lots of makeup to hide the wrinkles from years of lingering cigarette smoke and tanning bed sessions. Big hair - typically dyed either Platinum Blonde, Roof Tar Black, or Safety Cone Orange, to hide the advancing gray - and overly long, overly manicured nails, used for attracting and capturing her prey. She may also sport a new lower back tattoo (aka, the tramp stamp), or an old boob tattoo, procured in an attempt to convey her carefree sexuality and wild side.

Remember, a cougar is never your pet. You are most likely hers.

AP:

Confirmed sightings of cougars, also known as mountain lions or pumas, are rare in Illinois but authorities in the Chicago suburb of Wilmette say they received several reports of cougar sightings during the weekend.

Mountain lions are a whole other story - avoid them at all costs and DO NOT let them buy you a drink. Pumas, however, can make for a fun evening.

Defunct white-boy rapper Vanilla Ice was released from a Florida Jail today after being arrested for a domestic dispute with his wife.

The 39-year-old rap performer was arrested Thursday night at the couple’s Wellington home in South Florida. Police said his wife called 911, saying he had kicked and hit her during an argument over buying a bedroom set. She later told deputies he had only pushed her. AP

This isn’t anything new. The washed up hack, whose real name is Rob Van Winkle, had a similar incident back in 2001 when he allegedly pulled out some of his wife’s hair while driving down Interstate-595. Van Winkle sure has a knack for the bizarre and idiotic; first hair pulling like a little girly girl, and now pushing his wife after arguing over a bedroom set. This guy seriously needs some help.

STOP THE F*CKING PRESSES!!!!!!!!!!111 WHY WASN’T I TOLD ABOUT THIS?

AntiPoleez is a hard lozenge type candy. It was designed by a Switzerland confectionary manufacturer who’s been in business for over 80 years. AntiPoleez is intended for use by people who absolutely need their breath smelling fresh after consumption of alcohol, tobacco and bad breath producing foods.

You had a few drinks and don’t want others to know you did? Your spouse hates smell of cigarettes in your breath? You just had a tuna sandwich and were called to an unexpected meeting with your boss? AntiPoleez starts working immediately on completely eliminating the unwanted odor and will solve your problem in less then a minute. It is superior to any other breath freshener or gum because it will not leave you smelling like a fruit and it will work until the next consumption of the odor producing substance.

We’re going to try to review this. Stay tuned for footage.

Tired of wasting all your hard earned dough on pesky speeding tickets? Well now you can give the fuzz the finger with a new mobile phone app. called Trapster. Utilizing GPS technology and real-time data distribution users can receive mobile alerts on their cell phone/PDA when approaching speed traps or red-light cameras. For example, if you’re driving along and you’re about to approach a speed trap (and you’ve got Trapster running), your phone will automatically sound an alert saying “live police” giving you time to slow down and avoid that 5-0 shakedown.

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