I hold with the utmost contention that Nickelback is the indeed the lamest mainstream rock band of the last 25 years. Lamer than Creed, lamer than Poison, lamer than even Limp Bizkit. I’m listening to “Rockstar” right now, and I just can’t believe it. Is there no limit to Nickelback’s level of cheese? A sample of lyrics:

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that like to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I’ll have the quesadilla, ha, ha)

The popularity of this band simply baffles me. All of their songs reek. I’m not saying they’re bad guys—they do what they can for charity and all that jazz. But their music is just the most absurd melodramatic bullshit imaginable. All The Right Reasons 7x platinum? Dear God. It’s all too much…

Just when you thought the story couldn’t smell more like old douche, you find out he was driving a $175,000 Lamborghini (ZOMG ’80s!) and that he didn’t even show up to his own trial:

The singer was stopped by police in June 2007 while driving a Lamborghini at 160km per hour down a street in Surrey, Canada and was found to have a blood alcohol content of more than .08.

The singer was not present in court for the news, with his lawyer Marvin Stern saying he was in Europe “for recording or producing music. “I’m not exactly sure (which).”

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL MAN!