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John Smoltz and his beard may be done forever.
Author: The Sloth4 Jun
Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz, who in addition to being one third of the 3 sure-fire Hall of Fame inductees to come up with the team during the 80’s (Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux being the other two) also rocks one the longest running beards in all of sports, and he may be done pitching forever as of today.
The 21 year vet who has spent his entire career with the same team said his shoulder has been troubling him all year and he just can’t take it anymore. He is going to have immediate surgery by Dr. James Andrews, who has operated on pretty much every pitcher at one point in their career. After watching the news conference footage on ESPN I got the feeling that he thinks he isn’t going to pitch anymore, and that he would be happy just to be able to lift his arm above his head.
I’m not a Braves fan or anything, but they have been doing it about as right as a team can do it for the past 20 years or so. They have held on to all of their stars for a as long as they could without ever crippling the franchise by over paying to keep them, they made the playoffs for over a decade straight, and in the age where managers get fired like Taco Bell employees, they have held on to Bobby Cox since I didn’t even know how babies were made, so I root for him to pull of a miracle.
I doubt Smoltz can come back from major shoulder surgery at 41 years old. But the dude has more scars on his pitching arm than a cutter goth chick and he’s been able to come back from all of his previous surgeries successfully, so who knows?
I don’t know why he would want to come back though. The guy is so rich he has to move money out of the way just to take a shit. But even the greatest athletes have a tough time knowing when to hang it up. *cough! Michael Jordan! *cough!
Dear Yankees fans, Get off Joba Chamberlain’s nuts for two seconds!!
Author: The Sloth3 Jun
Joba Chamberlain of the New York Yankees is going to make his first career big league start tonight and every Yankees fan in the world is already vigorously jacking off in anticipation. He’s 22 years old, throws 97-98 consistently, and when he only has to get three outs a night to set up Mariano Rivera he is virtually un-hittable. The dude has been bad ass since breaking in to the big leagues last year, but it ain’t like he’s the second coming of Christ or something. The truth is, if either Tim Lincecum or Edinson Volquez were on the Yankees they would already have been ordained the next Cy Young or Roger Clemens or Ghandi. The hype machine that comes out of New York gets fucking OLD, and if I turn on ESPN and either the Yankees or the Red Sox are being televised one more time I’m going to turn their studios in to a fucking parking lot. There are other teams in the big leagues!!! And last I checked the Yankees haven’t won shit in almost a decade!!
So Joba Chamberlin is going to throw 85 pitches tonight to protect his golden arm and get lifted in the 5th and it’s not going to be nearly as eventful as everyone hopes it will be. He will probably do well, and every Yankees fan will be standing in line to suck the juice out of his nuts - until he gets his titties lit on fire by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the Texas Rangers two starts in a row and the sports media panics and asks “is Joba a failed project as a starter?” so many times it makes me want to re-paint the walls with my own brain matter.
I personally hope he throws a fastball in the 3rd inning and his entire arm flies off his body and lands mid-way between the pitchers mound and home plate. Fuck the Yankees.
Andruw Jones is a 36 million dollar flop, and the Dodgers suck.
Author: The Sloth27 May
I’m a Giants fan, so I naturally hate the Dodgers. And even though the Giants are the current owners of the worst contract in all of sports (see Barry Zito’s $136,000,000 fiasco) the Dodgers don’t have a lot of room to laugh. This off-season they signed Andruw Jones to a 2 year, 36 million dollar contract to patrol center field and to add some power to their impotent offense. It was a risky signing to start with, considering the fact that he only hit .222 last year with 26 home runs (which is tied for his lowest total since he started playing full time) last year and he was healthy. The market was totally dry for him because he had a terrible 07′ and he turned in to kind of a fat ass, and the only reason he signed with the Dodgers in the first place is because they were literally the ONLY team that were willing to offer him a two year deal worth a shit (everybody else was either offering one year for big money, or several years for shit money). So the fact that he is not only having an even worse year this year (he’s batting .165 with TWO home runs and only SEVEN rbi’s in 43 games!!!!! WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!), but he is now on the shelf for 4 to 6 weeks after having knee surgery earlier today makes me laugh until I piss down my own leg.
The Dodgers also signed away the Giants best pitcher, Jason Schmidt, before the 07′ season giving the then 33 year old with a declining fast ball a 3 year, 47 million dollar deal that most people thought was a pretty big risk at the time as well. He almost immediately blew out his shoulder (which was no surprise to any giants fan that watched him pitch through the 06′ season) and in two years has pitched in all of 6 games, amassing a 1 - 4 record with a 6.31 era.
The team is currently hovering around .500 with a 26 - 24 record coming in to play today, which makes them a huge disappointment considering their stacked pitching staff, and with Nomar Garciaparra, Andruw Jones, and Jason Schmidt all on the disabled list for quite some time the future doesn’t look too bright.
As a Giants fan I couldn’t be happier.
This just in: Barry Zito fucking suuuuuucks.
Author: The Sloth19 May
Anybody who even remotely pays attention to sports heard about the 7 year 126 MILLION dollar contract Barry Zito signed with the Giants before last season. At the time it was viewed by everyone but the Giants front office as a financially irresponsible signing, but now it has turned in to nothing short of the worst free agent acquisition EVAR!!! Zito’s record is now an historically bad 0-8, and even though he has been “better” since being demoted to the bullpen for a few days, in his last start 14 out of the 28 hitters he face reached base. I would be willing to bet that if you put a batting tee at home plate instead of Barry Zito 14 out of 28 batters wouldn’t reach base. I mean, that’s almost hard to do. Shit, I’ll bet that even if Bengie Molina pulled a Crash Davis (Major League is a cinematic masterpiece btw) and told the hitters what was coming it would STILL be hard for 14 out of 28 of them to reach base!
Not that he needs any more money, but I just thought of a great endorsement deal for Zito to sign. He would be the perfect spokesman for a chiropractor, because his neck has got to be sore from whipping his head around so often and watching all of those balls leave the yard.
Great signing Brian Sabean!!! You are now 0 for the last 5 years and you STILL HAVE A JOB!!! Wow Giants. wow.
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