For the literally tens of thousands of people looking up Bigfoot right now, I have a message. First to the ones who believe that the creature’s actual carcass was discovered: no way. I know for a fact that that’s a fake. Because I personally own the only bigfoot carcass in the world. I’ll let you see it, but first I have a bridge to sell you. Second to those who believe it’s a fake: duh.

All that quest for knowledge (or Quest For Fire, perhaps?) got you thirsty? Here’s a more tangible solution: Bigfoot Barleywine Ale by Sierra Nevada: Even Michael Jackson is stoked!

From THE MAKER:

This year marks the 25th release of Bigfoot®. Our award-winning barleywine boasts a dense, fruity bouquet, an intense flavor palate and a deep reddish-brown color. Its big maltiness is superbly balanced by a wonderfully bittersweet hoppiness.

“…Bigfoot® captures the imagination, and its character is as big as the name implies, with a huge hoppiness in its earthy aroma, a chewy palate, and a great depth of flavor.”

– Michael Jackson,
Michael Jackson’s Beer Companion

THE TRUTH EXISTS

Yesterday as Kirty South and I drove back from Olympia WA, HANDS DOWN THE WORST PLACE IN THE UNITED STATES (with a few notable exceptions), I got to select the playlist on his iPod. Between The Shaggs and Deerhoof songs, there was plenty of ’80s pop, with no fewer than three Michael Jackson songs strewn in there. Man, that dude could write and perform a song. Despite child-touching allegations and a two-decade long decline in productivity and popularity, you still gotta give it up for Michael as an artist.

This led me to wonder: so when’s Wacko Jacko gonna release a new album? Apparently, it’s in the works. According to Billboard, songwriter Claude Kelly penned a song for the new Akon album. When Akon played Kelly the track, it featured none other than Michael Jackson. The track “Hold My Hand” will reportedly be released on both Akon’s album, and Jackson’s upcoming release (no release date yet). I for one can’t wait. No, seriously.

Claude Kelly, who can write a hit song, but apparently has no eye for design, is understandably way stoked.

“I wrote the song and gave it to Akon with the intention of it going to maybe Whitney Houston, but Akon said he wanted to cut it himself. I thought, ‘It doesn’t get any bigger than this’,” the 27-year-old New York native tells Billboard.com. “A few months after, Akon plays the song for me and all of a sudden I hear Michael Jackson’s voice. I was literally shaking by the time the song was over.”

The queen..ah..I mean KING of Pop, Michael Jackson, is rumored to be working with Ed Hardy designer, Christian Audigier, on a new clothing line. Is this the same guy that wore sequin gloves on ONE hand? As Dave Chappelle said, “He made thriller man…THRILLER.” Doesn’t really make me want to run and spend my hard earned cash on some crazy costume clothing made by a man that named his son Blanket. Sorry Ms. Jackson, but I am for real..I mean Mr. Jackson..DOOH! I am sure he is sitting back, sippin Jesus juice, designing a line of sequin gloves, studded leather jackets, hand bandages, or clothes that are all black and white(cuz it don’t matter!). Maybe he will make face masks, hiding the face of whomever is wearing it. I’m sure whatever the line looks like, it will definitely appeal to a younger croud, specifically prepubescent little boys. I encourage you all to support Mr. Jackson, because not buying his line just because he is Michael Jackson would just be ignorant!

Amy Winehouse showed up at her husbands court date rocking some serious pizza face. Someone needs to get her some fucking Proactiv or just get her to stop smoking crack for an hour or two:

Not one for arriving on time to visit her husband in prison, Amy Winehouse today spent more than an hour in court supporting her husband who faces charges of assault and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.

The troubled star sat in the front row of the public gallery as Snaresbrook Crown Court, east London, and smiled lovingly at Blake Fielder-Civil, who smiled back at her from the dock.

Winehouse wore a short blue spotted dress in a clear effort to look smart for her husband’s trial, but the classy clothes failed to hide her alarmingly bad skin.

The singer’s ragged appearance shocked onlookers as she arrived at court.

Really though? Her appearance “shocked onlookers”? Maybe they never saw this:

Or this:

In fact, we have exclusive images of Amy Winehouse without her makeup. Check it out:

I mean, I’m not saying I wouldn’t hit that shit, but you know…..

I can kinda feel The Meltdowns on several levels. The first track that came up, “Tonight We Dine,” reminds me of what Michael Jackson would put out if he were raised on the Papa Roach cover of his own “Smooth Criminal,” but then decided about a year and a half later that he was “too indie” for Papa Roach anymore, sold off his Ibanez 7-string and downloaded every Gang of Four track he could find on SoulSeek. Unfortunately, he still ended up with a shipwrecked career all because he fondled a little boy’s penis. But now he writes frenetic, dancy-y, house party, dancing on the countertops punk and gets MAD GASH and free PBRs everywhere he goes. That’s just reason #1.

Also, I would like to point out that by swapping letters in the band name “Gang of Four,” you get “Fang of Gore”; and when you type “Fang of Gore” into a google image search, you get this:

That’s just reason #2 why you should click on The Meltdowns’ MySpace Page, befriend them, and then let them crash at your house when they’re on tour.

The Meltdowns’ debut EP, “No Authority, Direction, or Control” was released in January and should be purchased HERE. It sounds like demon dance party dogs tearing through a sweaty basement club and nipping at the heels of rad chicks with ugly-ass haircuts.

Don’t worry: Unlike both the real and the alternate reality Michael Jacksons, The MELTDOWNS WILL NOT TOUCH YOUR PENIS. (maybe.)

The Meltdowns have East Coast shows coming up. You can find them after the jump.
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Looking for the perfect for entertaining your “young friends” in  lavish privacy? Well you may soon have a chance to bid on the property that set the standard for opulent molestation: Michael Jackson’s “fairy” (and I don’t use that word lightly) - tale fantasy playhouse, Neverland Ranch. It was announced today that unless Jackson can come up with the $25 million nut he owes on the property by March 19th, Neverland will be foreclosed and sold at auction:

Jackson has been formally apprised of the foreclosure and that legal documents have also been filed with the Santa Barbara County Recorder’s office. “You are in default of a deed of trust …,” Jackson was told in the five-page filing, according to a copy of the document published by FoxNews.com. “Unless you take action to protect your property it may be sold at a public sale.”

The property is 2,800 acres  in size and contains, among other things, a zoo and a theme park, with a Ferris wheel, merry-go-round, zipper, spider, sea dragon, wave swinger, super slide, dragon wagon kiddie roller coaster and bumper cars. It is of course named after Neverland, the island in the story of Peter Pan where children never grow up. But if that’s not enough for your child rape needs. Here’s the best part: your only neighbor is, get this….Midland School, a college prep boarding school ! Granted 13-year-olds might be a little on the old side, but hey, like they say: shop local!

No word yet on when the auction would be held, but when it is, if Chris Hanson isn’t kicking it in Los Olivos filming a special episode of To Catch a Predator that week homeboy is tripping! Every CP head, smoothie hunter and pedobear afficianado from here to Singapore is gonna be bidding on that shit!!111