“Suicide Is Painless” would be a pretty bad ass final quote to scrawl in the dust on the hood of your car right before you did a swan dive off a bridge, at least that’s what Samuel Israel III thought. The convicted “hedge fund swindler” was supposed to report to federal prison after being sentenced to 20 years in April for being a thieving little bastard. He convinced investors to put more than $450 million in to Bayou hedge funds, which have since collapsed, and was ordered to pay back $300 million to his victims.

Too bad this whole thing is guaranteed to be a farce. The FBI says there has been no body found, and nobody saw anybody jump. I can’t say I blame the dude for faking it though. I mean, if somebody was like “show up at my office in a few weeks to report to prison where you are sure to get used like a dick receptical for about 20 years straight” I would probably find a way to fuck off in the meantime too.

Sometimes I feel like an old man trapped in a young man’s body - like when I returned home last night super late after a show and instead of falling right asleep, watched an episode or two of M*A*S*H*. God I love that show.

It’s Christmas/last-minute-Hanukkah shopping season, and if you have a military dad (or a friend who likes to watch military medical dramedies), the full M*A*S*H* Martinis and Medicine Collection wold make a perfect gift. 170 bones, and hours upon hours of maudlin humor.

In other news, if I could get over my irrational fear of on-line buying, Uncrate would lead to my untimely debt-induced demise.