Are you sitting at home right now flipping through an US Weekly, maybe reading up on Alex Rodriguez’s late night rendezvous with Madonna? If so, you should probably find something better to do with your time.

How bored are we? On our amazing Google trend datalist, there is without fail more than 20 celebrity break-up rumor searches every day. I don’t even care when someone I KNOW breaks up with a significant other; why would I give one splash of whiz about people I don’t know?

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are denying that they, too, are splitting up. Who fucking cares? Does someone sit around their apartment, turn down the volume on Judge Joe Brown and decide to be completely useless and start unmitigated rumors all day long? Well, congrats, you waste of fucking life, here’s your 15 minutes. I MENTIONED YOU. Welcome…make yourself at home. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be off READING A BOOK. It’s a good one too. Dostoyevsky’s Notes From the Underground. Maybe I’ll start a rumor that ol’ Fyodor boned his own mother. Rumor mills will be LABORING on that one.

Madonna has an estimated fortune of 600 million so she’s looking for the best divorce lawyer on earth. She recently contacted Fiona Shackleton, used by Sir Paul McCartney in his case against that bitch Heather Mills. The 49-year-old pop star and international icon is getting legal advice about divorcing Guy Ritchie, her husband of seven years. She has been sighted without her wedding ring as well. Guess the tabloid rumors were true after all.

Shackleton is supposed to be the best celebrity lawyer one can find and after the McCartney trial she was so successful, Heather Mills got pissed and poured a jug of water over her head.

There is said to be no pre-nuptial agreement so the starting point would be to split everything 50-50. Ritchie is movin’ on up!

If Madonna went to Chico State (our local college) she’d probably frequent the bars Riley’s and Franky’s and take her shirt off a lot. I can see it now, the frat bros hollering, “YEAH! Chico! WOOO!!!” the sorority girls crying, “OMG, WHAT A BETCH!” and me googling that Urban Dictionary word I saw the other day… damn, what was it?

Barsexual: A heterosexual girl or woman who partakes in any sort of sexual or promiscuous activity with another female to get attention from males. This usually takes the form of making out, and to a lesser extent, grinding or dry humping with another female.

This is a common sight at bars (hence the word barsexual) but can also be found at any party, especially frat parties. [and now, Madonna concerts!]

The reason for such acts has baffled researchers for years, but it is thought that they seek attention [Madonna], free drinks, or are prudes too scared to get with men.

I’m so sick of the disgustingly rich. It’s hard not to be bitter in this sucky economy… Jay-Z just signed a 10-year contract with Live Nation worth $150 mil: a chunk of stock, $5 million per year for “overhead,” $25 million for acquisitions and investments, $10 million an album (for a three-album deal), and $20 million for publishing, licensing, and other rights.

Madonna also signed a 10-year contract with Live Nation worth $120 mil: rumored terms include a signing bonus of about $18 million and a roughly $17 million advance for each of three albums. She also owes Warner Brothers another album plus a greatest hits CD. She’s also negotiating a 2-concert deal in Dubai that will pay $24 mil. If the concert is 90 minutes, that’s $133,333 A MINUTE. All I got to say is, FTS, how about slippin’ me a $50 just for posting this and giving you free press on our super cool blog site? That’ll cover my drinks for the weekend as I attempt to guzzle away my broke ass blues. Send it here:

Synthesis.net: Ms. Nickels

210 West 6th Street, Chico, CA 95928

K, thx! [du]Bai!

Ok, ok, I take back the mean things I said about Madonna being too rich for anyone to like her anymore. And her selling out to BET’s 106 & Park and recreating herself as a hip hop princess… Anyone who chugs champagne from the bottle on stage is my hero:

I will say this though: wtf @ sparkle Adidas pants? You can’t just throw sparkles on sweat pants and think they’re alright to wear at your own concert. That’s on some Missy Elliot status. Oh wait… now I get it. She’s trying to be Missy. Damn. I hate her again. DRINK MORE CHAMPAGNE!