If Madonna went to Chico State (our local college) she’d probably frequent the bars Riley’s and Franky’s and take her shirt off a lot. I can see it now, the frat bros hollering, “YEAH! Chico! WOOO!!!” the sorority girls crying, “OMG, WHAT A BETCH!” and me googling that Urban Dictionary word I saw the other day… damn, what was it?

Barsexual: A heterosexual girl or woman who partakes in any sort of sexual or promiscuous activity with another female to get attention from males. This usually takes the form of making out, and to a lesser extent, grinding or dry humping with another female.

This is a common sight at bars (hence the word barsexual) but can also be found at any party, especially frat parties. [and now, Madonna concerts!]

The reason for such acts has baffled researchers for years, but it is thought that they seek attention [Madonna], free drinks, or are prudes too scared to get with men.

I’m so sick of the disgustingly rich. It’s hard not to be bitter in this sucky economy… Jay-Z just signed a 10-year contract with Live Nation worth $150 mil: a chunk of stock, $5 million per year for “overhead,” $25 million for acquisitions and investments, $10 million an album (for a three-album deal), and $20 million for publishing, licensing, and other rights.

Madonna also signed a 10-year contract with Live Nation worth $120 mil: rumored terms include a signing bonus of about $18 million and a roughly $17 million advance for each of three albums. She also owes Warner Brothers another album plus a greatest hits CD. She’s also negotiating a 2-concert deal in Dubai that will pay $24 mil. If the concert is 90 minutes, that’s $133,333 A MINUTE. All I got to say is, FTS, how about slippin’ me a $50 just for posting this and giving you free press on our super cool blog site? That’ll cover my drinks for the weekend as I attempt to guzzle away my broke ass blues. Send it here:

Synthesis.net: Ms. Nickels

210 West 6th Street, Chico, CA 95928

K, thx! [du]Bai!

Ok, ok, I take back the mean things I said about Madonna being too rich for anyone to like her anymore. And her selling out to BET’s 106 & Park and recreating herself as a hip hop princess… Anyone who chugs champagne from the bottle on stage is my hero:

I will say this though: wtf @ sparkle Adidas pants? You can’t just throw sparkles on sweat pants and think they’re alright to wear at your own concert. That’s on some Missy Elliot status. Oh wait… now I get it. She’s trying to be Missy. Damn. I hate her again. DRINK MORE CHAMPAGNE!

Hey ladies and gentlemen, a joyous Mayday to you! The birds are twittering, the roses are blooming, and wait—what’s that noise? It’s a crunchy sound… Could it be??? Yes… I think it is! It’s the crumbling of a megastar’s musical credibility…

This Friday (May 2nd) you can watch your favorite richass popstar sell-out big on BET’s 106 & Park. Who could it be? Here’s some clues: she’ll be there promoting her new album Hard Candy, rappin’ with the hosts about what to expect in the next 50 years of her career, making them do dumb yoga poses with her, and most importantly, introducing the debut premiere of her single “4 Minutes” with Justin Timberlake, produced by Timbaland. Have you figured out who it is yet? Nope, not Rhianna. Not Beyonce. No, it’s Madonna, dude! And judging by the comments on XXL’s blog, the rap community isn’t exactly stoked that this 50-year-old white chick is reinventing herself on their turf.

Sorry, Madge, you’re just too successful for anyone to relate to you anymore. You should hold a free concert or something.

I’m not big on competition in music, or enshrining artists’ feet in concrete, or bidding on eBay for locks of so and so’s hair - it just seems to defeat the purposes of free-reign creativity. And while I don’t think that rock ‘n’ roll ever needed a Hall of Fame, its nomination process and subsequent ballyhooing ceremony nevertheless persists every year with new inductees. I almost always marvel at the rad collaborations they acquire though, and almost cried when Elvis Costello was inducted a few years ago, so never mind me. For those interested, this year’s inductees include (get ready to feel old…):

Afrika Bambaataa, Beastie Boys, Chic, Leonard Cohen, The Dave Clark Five, Madonna, John Mellencamp, Donna Summer and The Ventures.

The official press release hits the wire on December 13th. We’d like to thank the Foundation for reminding us that we are no longer eligible to fight for our individual rights to party, and that living in a material world is indeed a thing of the past.