[The following horoscope, written by Synthesis Weekly's longest running columnist Kozmic Kev, is for entertainment purposes only. Or you can plan your life to it accordingly. Hey, it's your life.]

August 11th – 17th

Aries
You start this week strong with some transformational creative ability. Physical strength, service jobs and charitable causes remain at the top of your list. The Aquarius full moon/lunar eclipse will rock your social life and give you a glimpse at the future. Can you spare any social change?

Taurus
Loving hard comes easy this month. Your creative potential never seems to die. Now it’s time to focus on family and children. Awaken the teacher within yourself. You’re wise enough to know how to go it alone. Saturday’s full moon may present a challenge between work, career and family needs, along with domestic tranquility.

Gemini
Whether you like it or not, you’re doing what you seem to do best. You scurry from one locale to another spreading interesting stories. The lunar eclipse Saturday may find you traveling. In any event there is good luck connected with this aspect. The worst might be the discomfort of learning something new.
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Damnit. That’s what you get for not fully fact checking and especially paying close attention to dates. The lunar eclipse and satellite shoot-down madness already happened. No nuclear holocaust (awwwwww.). This slip-up makes this post even funnier and probably more idiotic, and certainly puts distress on my non-existent blogging reputation. I guess I could change my alias, since everyone tries to pronounce it, but can’t (hahaha suckers.). Or I could just take it down in an attempt not to look like a jackass, but Daniel Taylor already knows, so I am basically screwed. (rawr)

Sorry, no Lunar Eclipse or Nuclear War. Didn’t mean to get your hopes up, but it’s not like you’re going to have to wait much longer.

Attention all West Coast Werewolf ass motherfuckers. Tonight when you walk out of the bar at last call, you will be looking at some cosmic gangsta shit. Recognize.

Astronomers say the eclipse should be a beauty, but only people willing to stay up very late or set their alarm clocks for long after midnight will see it. It will last for a full hour and a half, and during that time, the moon’s color could be anything from a dull and dusky red-brown to a reddish or even orange glow, depending on how much dust, pollution and mist is in the atmosphere.

For the wide-awake, a partial eclipse will start at 1:51 a.m. Tuesday and become total starting at 2:52 a.m. By 4:22 a.m., the total phase will be over, but then as the moon begins to emerge from Earth’s shadow, another partial phase will begin. The eclipse will end at 5:24 a.m., just as the sky lightens at dawn.

I’m scared. Hold me.