I can kinda feel The Meltdowns on several levels. The first track that came up, “Tonight We Dine,” reminds me of what Michael Jackson would put out if he were raised on the Papa Roach cover of his own “Smooth Criminal,” but then decided about a year and a half later that he was “too indie” for Papa Roach anymore, sold off his Ibanez 7-string and downloaded every Gang of Four track he could find on SoulSeek. Unfortunately, he still ended up with a shipwrecked career all because he fondled a little boy’s penis. But now he writes frenetic, dancy-y, house party, dancing on the countertops punk and gets MAD GASH and free PBRs everywhere he goes. That’s just reason #1.

Also, I would like to point out that by swapping letters in the band name “Gang of Four,” you get “Fang of Gore”; and when you type “Fang of Gore” into a google image search, you get this:

That’s just reason #2 why you should click on The Meltdowns’ MySpace Page, befriend them, and then let them crash at your house when they’re on tour.

The Meltdowns’ debut EP, “No Authority, Direction, or Control” was released in January and should be purchased HERE. It sounds like demon dance party dogs tearing through a sweaty basement club and nipping at the heels of rad chicks with ugly-ass haircuts.

Don’t worry: Unlike both the real and the alternate reality Michael Jacksons, The MELTDOWNS WILL NOT TOUCH YOUR PENIS. (maybe.)

The Meltdowns have East Coast shows coming up. You can find them after the jump.
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Valerie Bertinelli is currently drinking Eddie Van Halen’s Milkshake. Bertinelli recently broke her silence regarding the couple’s divorce and admitted that they split because they were both somewhat busy cheating on each other.

The Van Halen / Bertinelli divorce was finalized in December (just in time for Xmas) after 26 years of marriage.
“I cheated — He claims to this day that I cheated first, but I don’t know. I don’t know about the timing.” She’ll be detailing guitar solos, cheating, cocaine usage, hooking up with Steven Spielberg, being super hot back in the day, that other chick from One Day at a Time and Oprah (and her continued quest from world wide domination).

When asked she choose to divulge such personal details at this stage of her life Bertinelli said “I just figured, if they’re going to watch me lose 40 pounds and I’m going to be embarrassed that way, and there’s going to be fat-ass pictures of me with my butt hanging out in Hawaii, I thought, ‘Why not let the inner me out, too?’ Because the inner me is, I hope, prettier than the outer me.”

Did I mention she wrote a book too? I’m sure she’ll be plugging that as well…

Maybe the news of the Oprah appearance is why that show at the John Paul Jones Arena got cancelled… fuck it - might as well Jump: