Hulk Hogan Affair

Hulk Hogan has had better years to be sure. Even after his comeback as host of American Gladiators, and his reality TV show, Hogan couldn’t seem to fight the frothing lusts of the paparazzi, as information has come to light of a purported Hogan affair. Son Nick Hogan was recently picked up for reckless driving, and the whole goddamn thing is too much for Brooke Hogan, who has apparently gone over the edge and is in the throes of a mental breakdown.

Maybe the gods are trying to tell you something, Hulk: You should have quit while you were ahead. You should have retired after you bodyslammed Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III, or after you bodyslammed Earthquake in the mid-’90s. Or at least after your cameo in Rocky III (because Suburban Commando sucked). Don’t slander your image anymore than you already have; there’s still an army of aging Hulkamaniacs ready to stay in school and eat their vitamins. I promise, it’s not too late…