What exactly is the Montauk Monster? Your guess is as good as mine. The word on the street is that there’s an USDA-operated animal testing facility nearby. Dig deeper and find out that the Department of Homeland Security plays a role in the facility as well. Here’s a list of their research projects. Hopefully this will shed some light on just what exactly they’re doing over there and how they’re disposing the mutant carcasses…

Update 1: Fake. Damn I feel stupid. A viral marketing gimmick for some Cartoon Network show, Cryptids Are Real.

Update 2: Someone from Texas said it’s a waterlogged Nutria (read the comments below) and after Googling it, I’m convinced. Didn’t Dave Attell do an episode of Insomniac where he drunkenly hunted a bunch of Nutria? That’s sounds kind of cruel after you watch this happy little Nutria family:

Last night I was drinking with some buddies. A friend that recently took a plane to LA and back told me how not only did he accidentally fly with a lighter that the security overlooked, but while waiting for his plane he met a young woman that used to work for a popular airline. She told him that if anyone of the low level employees wanted to, they could get away with something really destructive due to the lack of security and monitoring of the workers. Pretty comforting, huh?

Well, searching around the rants and raves section of Craigslist today, I saw Homeland Security’s new business plan for weeding out terrorists. This has got to be their best work yet, and I really commend them for thinking outside the box.

MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY!

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America!

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don’t send this to at least 5 people you’re a terrorist sympathizing lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat!

I’m not a lily-livered coward, so I will be doing my part in this great movement forward. God bless America.

Now this is some good propaganda to really light the fire under them ball caps. A Democratic congressman from the Department of Homeland Security sent his aides to visit hospitals, detention centers and places of mass gathering to determine their preparedness for disease outbreaks. Two of the stops were Lowe’s Motor Speedway in Concord and the racetrack in Talladega, Ala, which can gather crowds of 200,000, some of whom camp in the parking lots before the events. (Kinda sounds like Greatful Dead concerts of yore, only with less tolerance for “your kind.”). They were advised to get vaccinated for hepatitis and a whole bunch of other killjoy maladies beforehand. Well, this has apparently upset some key Republicans -

Republicans said the suggestion of vaccines usually recommended for travel to Third World countries showed that the Democrats were out of touch with real Americans.

“While red-blooded, patriotic Americans were packing their coolers and gathering their families in preparation for attending last week’s race at Talladega, a leading Democrat was advising staff to get immunized,” said a news release by the National Republican Congressional Committee titled “Talladega Frights: Democrats Allergic to NASCAR Nation.”

Now why would anyone assume that a NASCAR tailgate party could possibly be a breeding ground for disease?

Article here: http://www.mcclatchydc.com/homepage/story/20439.html
Article’s Source: http://www.charlotte.com/109/story/314034.html