Breath easy internet, I have returned to my blogging post. Over the last week and a half I’ve been journeying up the Pacific Coast with Bear Hunter . As it turns out, when I try and write on my laptop while in the van I start to puke all over my band mates — hence, my absence from Synthesis Blog. Over the next few days I will be recounting my harrowing journey (in between fascinating posts about pop stars getting busted for drugs, children with weird growths on their bodies and general paranoid-paranormal fodder). Get ready, dear readers. Get your asses ready.

I heard something about a rare black watermelon being sold in Tokyo for about $6,000, so I had to do a bit of research, right?

From CNN:

TOKYO, Japan (CNN) — There’s nothing better than a sweet, juicy watermelon on a hot summer’s day, right?
But what if you had to pay six grand for it?
A marine products dealer in Japan plunked down a record $6,125 (650,000 yen) Friday for a black Densuke watermelon — grown only on the northern Japanese island of Hokkaido.
Premium melons regularly go for eye-popping amounts there. Only three years ago, someone shelled out about $3,000 for one.

But man, doing a google image search for “black watermelon” turned up some embarrassing results. I never quite got the racist connotations of black Americans and watermelon. I mean, I just don’t get it. I am a Jew, and I love the hell out of watermelon. Can someone explain that one to me?

(side note: It also turns out, that I am now allowed to eat giraffes, as they are considered kosher. I will probably eat 1,000 black watermelons before I ever eat giraffe.)

The race relations connotations in this post might seem staggering - i.e. Jews, blacks, watermelons, giraffes - but it all comes together when you consider the Lemba. Think about it.

Luanda, Angola — The 27-year-long Angola civil war has been over for six years but the number of civilian victims continues to rise. Tens of thousands have been injured or maimed by landmine explosions, leaving the population shattered and ravaged by a war whose fallout has yet to meet its half-life.

In an effort to restore dignity and confidence to its civilian population, the de-mining commission of Angola is hosting a Miss Landmine Survivor Pageant, with eight women, one from each province, each maimed by a landmine, competing and simultaneously becoming the public faces for their own cause. Its intent is to boost the self-esteem of landmine survivors, and to show the beauty in strength and determination, and truly, the “beauty in all people.” The pageant will be held on April 2nd in Luanda, Angola.

Following the pageant, the First International Day for Mine Awareness and Assistance in Mine Action will be held on April 4th. For further information on the International Campaign to Ban Landmines, please right-click here.

Millions of un-detonated mines litter the southwestern African nation. While it costs roughly $5 to manufacture a landmine, it takes nearly $1,000 to safely dismantle one.

Voting for the Miss Landmine Survivor Pageant is to be held online. You can VOTE for who you would like to see win. Me, I’m voting for Miss Cubango. Right now she’s in 2nd place. Check out her stats:

Miss Cuando Cubango
Generosa Cassinda

Age: 30
City: Menongue
Mine accident: 1989
Kids: 2 (10,8)
Occupation: Street vendor
Dream job: Economist
Favourite color: White

Clothes: American Apparel, € 36
Jewellery: Myffdesign, € 15
Location: Fortaleza São Miguel, Luanda

Mine: NO-4 anti-personnel
Release: pressure
Explosive: 188 g TNT
Produced by: Israel

Daaaamn….

This blog is nice and heartfelt. Here’s where I fuck things up.

I’m sorry, I know that it’s wrong to reference things like amputee porn in a blog about such a moving, good-hearted and humanitarian event like the Miss Landmine Survivor Pageant. But really, there are few rewarding job opportunities for people missing their limbs, and life is tough as it is. I’m pretty sure that in America, you can’t even get a meatpacking job if you’ve lost your hand (unless you lost your hand at a prior meatpacking job, then I think they’ll “hook you up.” Ouch.). And let’s face it, these women are gorgeous and legless, and I am pretty sure there’s a market for that. Actually, I’ve seen the aisle at the ‘specialty video store,” I’m sure there’s a market for it. Oh please one-leggy lady, won’t you ampu-tease me.

Yes, I know you think I’m going to hell.

This has been one of the busiest weeks of my life, and being in the snow day in and day out doesn’t help all that much. I have made some real life realizations, such as; Cleveland is a dump, the Super Bowl is a lot more entertaining when it’s spent with friends, is catered and a keg of Coors light is brought into the situation, kids from Canada have funny accents, I never want to live in a snowy city, kids in Omaha are insane and they love to throw boxer briefs on stage, Lawrence, Kansas is one my most favorite places ever, days off are a very nice thing to have every once in a while. I’ll elaborate on a few of the days.

Cleveland, Ohio is not a nice town; I was constantly in fear of being robbed, beat up, raped or mocked for being white the entire time I was not inside the bus or the venue. But the show was crazy, and it marked the first sell out crowd of the tour. Our buddy, and Marilyn Manson drum tech, cabbed over to our show after the MM show was over, that’s a crazy job to have.

Madison, Wisconsin is a beautiful city, especially in the winter. I guess I take back my earlier comment about not wanting to live in a snowy city, because I would live in Madison in a second, but nowhere else with snow. This show marked the smallest crowd I’ve ever seen a band, any size, play to in years, but the kids that were there were great, they made the night very enjoyable.

St. Paul, Minnesota is town full of offices, and then if you’re lucky enough to work in one of these offices you can conveniently live a block away in your own condo, seems great to me, why wouldn’t you want to spend all your time in a three block radius of St. Paul? I got yelled at by the bartender for smoking inside, I don’t know all the laws they pass there, and who really cares? Around three in the morning we get a knock on the bus door, someone opens it up and lets this girl in, who, by the way, had the biggest fake boobs I’ve ever seen in person. She was crying some story to us about how her friends left her behind and she needed to use a phone to call a cab, all while she’s kicking off her shoes and jacket and making herself comfortable. We called her a cab which she decided wasn’t good enough for her once it arrived. She eventually left after getting ridiculed by half of the bus occupants for a good 45 minutes.

Omaha, Nebraska should have more than two venues considering it has so many bands. Tonight’s show was another sell out and was painfully hot inside. Matt purchased an air horn the night before which was used this night to startle kids outside our bus. I’ve never seen so many pissed off emo kids. One thing I don’t get is why the hell would you drive out of town to see a band and not purchase tickets beforehand? The venue had to turn away a ton of kids, but instead of leaving they decided to bug me all night and offer to “help” me with any task I wanted as long as they could get in. It may not sound that bad, but it is.

Lawrence, Kansas is a wonderful town, full of normal people. I’ve never been to the venue we played at and at first it looked a little sketchy beings that they show movies upstairs on certain days, but it was great. I got to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while and take in some great conversations at the local bars. I thought to myself I could live in Lawrence, and then I realized Chico is just the same, so I think that plan is nixed.

Salt Lake City, Utah is always a fun time. The show was sold out, the crowd was amazing, I was proposed to by a 17 year old during line check; I had to turn her down because her boyfriend didn’t like the idea. After our record breaking load out we threw a party for all the bands after the show, the promoter’s gave us a bunch of free liquor and beer and everyone got to know each other beyond the daily “hi, how’s it going” kind of thing. We have a day off tomorrow and then we’re headed to the west coast for what will most likely be the longest ten days ever.

Cleveland, OH

Deathtrap

Madison

As Cities Burn, the best band ever

Air Hornness

St. Paul, MN

Pierce the Veil

What a surprise. The highly-evolved (insert sarcasm here) folks at Westboro Baptist Church wish Heath Ledger a wonderful eternity IN HELL!

Sometimes I think we’re already there…

Because when everything in the world is going to hell, a dog in China adopts a little black piglet and nurses it like it was one of it’s own puppies.

If only we could have more of this kind of shit, maybe I wouldn’t feel like a piece of fucking crap every day of my life.