STOPWHATYOUREDOING! GETINDOORS! FUCKINGMEASLESOUTBREAK! FOXNEWSREPORTS! BUYMOREONLINEDONTGOOUTDOORS! MEASLES!

measles!

Reuters — The biggest U.S. outbreak of measles since 1997 has sickened 127 people in 15 states, most of whom were not vaccinated against the highly contagious viral illness, federal health officials said on Wednesday.

MEASLES!

The potency of marijuana increased last year to the highest it has been in 30 years. A report released by the White House said that this means there are greater health risks for those who view the drug as harmless. Analysis was done at the University of Mississippi’s Potency Monitoring Project to track the average amounts of THC. Levels have more than doubled since the 1980’s due to sophisticated growing techniques, like hydroponic systems.

John Walters, director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, said there are risks of psychological, cognitive and respiratory problems and the potential to become dependent on cocaine and heroin. I just have to say I have never used marijuana then felt the sudden urge to pick up a needle but hey, whatever. There’s no data that shows the higher potency leads to more addiction. Marijuana withdrawl symptoms are said to be mild irritability, craving for weed and decreased appetite. Well then wouldn’t you just smoke some weed, be happy, end the cravings and eat a crapload of food? Being hungover from drinking way to many dollar beers or running out of coffee seems way worse. Like a psychology professor at the State University of New York said, “Stronger cannabis leads to less inhaled smoke.”

“Only two things come from Texas, son, and that’s steers and queers. And I don’t see no horns on you boy.”

Texas is a land of machismo. Oil wells. Cattle. Cacti peppering the dusty plains, where men chew gravel and spit out asphalt. Or maybe my mom just watched too much Dallas when I was a kid. I don’t know, but I certainly have an impression that it’s a manly state.

Still, the place is not without its more leftist lifestyles, including a healthy contingent of homosexuals. When I noticed the Gay Flag on a bar a block away from the hotel I thought, “well bless their hearts. The roughnecks haven’t driven the gays from the streets of Austin.” And yes I know Austin is the most liberal places in the state, but still.

The thing I noticed most about this gay bar was that it was full of regular old people watching rock ‘n’ roll bands. And that’s what Austin gay bars have in common with the countless UT frat bars that line the 6th street corridor: during SXSW their clientele is pretty much the same: industry people and hardcore music fans getting fucked up and watching hundreds of bands. Together. As One. Ommmmmmm…..
Rock Music: the great equalizer.

(UPDATE: I apologize for the brief all-caps diatribes about broken cameras and hating internets, which I have since deleted. I was drunk and shit was not uploading and Brit and Matt were telling me to hurry. It was an intense and frustrated moment. No offense intended.)

According to a five month long investigation by the Associated Press, the drinking water of as many as 41 million Americans contains trace amounts of pharmaceuticals, varying from sex hormones to mood stabilizers. While the amount of drugs is exceedingly small, the notion that society is ingesting unknown combinations of various compounds, even at such small dosages, is undoubtedly raising questions of potential health risks.

To be sure, the concentrations of these pharmaceuticals are tiny, measured in quantities of parts per billion or trillion, far below the levels of a medical dose. Also, utilities insist their water is safe.

But the presence of so many prescription drugs — and over-the-counter medicines like acetaminophen and ibuprofen — in so much of our drinking water is heightening worries among scientists of long-term consequences to human health.

Now you might be asking yourself, whose dosing up all our drinking water? Perhaps it’s a government initiative towards population control or maybe the latest in radical bio-terrorism? In actuality, it’s nothing quite that sinister. The drugs enter our water supply as a result of the assorted medications we take daily.

People take pills. Their bodies absorb some of the medication, but the rest of it passes through and is flushed down the toilet. The wastewater is treated before it is discharged into reservoirs, rivers or lakes. Then, some of the water is cleansed again at drinking water treatment plants and piped to consumers. But most treatments do not remove all drug residue.

As I sit here sipping the glass of ice cold H2O, I’m not exactly comforted by the fact that I could be sucking down some Viagra mingled with Ortho Tricyclen. Even if it’s only in trace amounts, that combination can’t be healthy. Still I guess we’re safe for the moment until research says otherwise. It does however make me wonder, if medications can seep into the water supply, why not more illicit drugs as well? Doc I swear I’m not on drugs, I just like to stay hydrated.

Be a trend setter, and the first to die, try Bacon Vodka!  For the bacon lovers out there this is for you. For the dudes who wake up smelling like vodka and bacon anyways, this is also for you. Finally a vodka that satisfies your deepest desire for being drunk, and having the taste of three week old bacon on your breath. I have yet to try it, but one time I did poor vodka on a bacon cheeseburger from Jack In The Box and it tasted wonderful. My only question is how the hell do I get it with cheese?.

Bacon Vodka

Makes up one pint

• Fry up three strips of bacon
• Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit in the jar. Or you could go hog wild and just pile in a bunch of fried up bacon scraps.
• Optional: add crushed black peppercorns.
• Fill the jar up with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks.(No need to refrigerate)
• At the end of the three week resting period, place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Strain out the fats through a coffee filter to yield a clear filtered pale yellow bacon vodka.
• Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy

This is not Kosher or healthy in anyway possible. I estimate you will loose ten to twenty years of your life per shot, and yes you will die alone with diarrhea.

In a ceremony this afternoon, this year’s recipient of the prestigious LEAST MATCHED OUTFIT OF ALL TIME EVAR award was announced. The winner was none other than myself, Daniel Taylor. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank those who made this unexpected honor possible: American Needle for my HELLA SAACK throwback Expos cap, the rock band Health for their fabulous American Apparel…uh…apparel, Trucker for the baby blues, and the Urban Outfitters in Lawrence, KS for the clown shoes, $14 on double clearance!!111