The reason some people consider the Internet to be SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS, is when you really start analyzing the the viral nature of memetics, and factor in the algorithms and indexing that goes into the rankings of results on search engines, which in turn direct the worldwide flow of internet traffic, you can really start to see how tiniest of things can really make the difference between WIN and FAIL on the internets, especially when you’re trying to get some money out of the deal for yourself.

As an example, take a somewhat dated post I penned regarding Russia’s claiming of land in the Arctic Circle. Though the story itself is something of a snoozer, and is reported on in a far more in depth and insightful way on any number of other sites, the humorous nature of the post has garnered it OVER 9000 comments and is making it the official winnar of our blog site over the last month or two. As the first comments started streaming in, months after the post itself, I was wondering if some anti-Russia site somewhere in Europe had linked to it or some such thing, as most of the comments seemed to be from people with a somewhat tenuous grasp on the English language. However, I soon discovered that the immense popularity of this post stemmed from nothing more than the nature of the posts title “Fuck Russia in the Face.” Although it may sound severe, its actually a play on the name of a band I saw play a million years ago, Fuck God in the Face. Since then, in a micro-version of the aforementioned viral memetic stew I spoke about earlier, Fuck ____ In the Face has been a utility term for discussing pretty much anything, like Fuck Work in the Face, Fuck Life in the Face, etc, etc, always done in a humorous way. However, the internet knows no humor. And now, when you, the Russian hating Georgian or similarly motivated internet user turn to your Google search and type in “Fuck Russia” what do you get as the #1 result?

So a shitty punk band, a b-list news item and the random happenstance of Google indexing has made my hamfisted, half-baked blog post one of the focal points for anti-Russian on the internet. I always kind of thought Russia was pretty badass, but whatever. It gets traffic, and traffic means $$$$. At least theoretically.

As fitting a Monday morning, a colleague and I were discussing the works of Herman Melville, and Moby Dick, aside, I am still convinced that his most accessible, and for the most part enjoyable work is Typee. (click the link to read it for free on Google books…if you’re really that bored). However, a less known branch of Melville’s work are his short stories, which are as deeply symbolic and as representative of his darkly humorous (at least to me) writing style as his more substantial tomes. Below is delicious copy-pasta of perhaps my favorite of these short stories, Cock-a-Doodle-Do: Or, The Noble Cock Beneventano. Enjoy, or don’t. (more…)

So Google finally lauched the beta of their new Chrome browser today. I would get excited, but since I’m actually intelligent enough to have a Mac instead of a PC, I guess I have to wait awhile while PC users flesh out all the bugs, holes and viruses enough for Google to create the Mac OS version. In the meantime I’ll be browsing on Safari’s private mode which OMG has been around forevs.

Contrary to my dream last night, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was not recently fired from her position for not disclosing that she was, indeed, a Hermaphrodite. One thing’s for certain: I really should stop listening to BBC World Service while I’m trying to fall asleep. The Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes probably didn’t help either. I mean, really, when do they?

The weird dream prompted me to look up Condi on google news this morning. After attempting the key words “Condoleezza Rice Hermaphrodite,” which luckily found no results, I stumbled upon an article from ABC News about Condi’s former life as an aspiring pianist.

From ABC:

As a 17-year-old sophomore at the University of Denver, Rice was a music major with big dreams, who had started learning to play the piano from her grandmother at the age of three.

“I could read music before I could read. And I was absolutely certain that I was going to end up playing at Carnegie Hall,” Rice said onstage prior to her performance on Saturday.

Her first appearance at the Aspen Music Festival, however, quickly changed a young Condoleezza Rice’s mind.

“After listening to some of the 11- and 12-year-olds play, who could play from sight everything it had taken me all year to learn, I thought, ‘you know, you’re going to end up playing at Nordstrom or a piano bar, but not Carnegie Hall,’” she said.

Imagine the world that could have been. Actually, there’s probably no difference as Bush would have just appointed some other tool into a high position, but it does give me a giggle thinking of Condi hammering away at Nordstrom or some bullshit.

PLAY SOME SKYNNARD!!! WHOO!!!

Right now, a substantial amount of people are looking up “The Shocker” on Google….but it’s all a jumbled mishmash of uses. “Political Shocker,” “RUnway fashion shocker,” “animal cruelty shocker,” “internet friend social profile shocker,” etc.

Let me solve this confusion. There is one and one only shocker.

If you’re really adventurous, you’ll try the “one in the pink” variation.

It’s been a tough morning for me ever since Howard Stern announced Playboy Playmate Shawn Carla Hektor as Miss Howard TV August 2008. Oh! The trials that have come to pass since then.

I’ve had to search for pictures of her ALL MORNING. Let me tell you - it’s tough to find a shot without her boobs exposed. Today’s gonna be just ruined for me! Gha!

Google trends.  What woudl I do without you?