I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our resident video savant, the aptly named Video Matt has a boner the size of Rhode Island for Paramore. In fact, he has a personal archive of fap videos that he hoards like gold nuggets, locked away in a safe deep inside his family compound in the hills above Gridley. However, we are slowly convincing him to release some of this footage for the greater good of humanity. Check out these two clips of Paramore back before they were the biggest thing since sliced wrists, playing at the legendary Boardwalk in Orangevale, CA.

This one comes from right here in good old Chico, CA courtesy of our local shitty paper, the Chico Enterprise Record, and it’s definitely a winnar: “Newfound offensive prowess powers Nuts’ hot start“. The story is about the local American Legion baseball team, The Chico Nuts (a suggestive enough name in and of itself) but really I mean: Prowess? Nuts? Hot? Let’s do a quick google image search using those three word and….Yep. I’m too scared to post the actual image, but if you’re daring you can go here to see what Prowess Nuts Hot means to Google. Its fun. Now excuse me while I go fap somewhere.

For just $29.95!!111. Or, if you’re not a complete dumbfuck you can just watch the teaser clips over at Valleywag and see for yourself Gene Simmons fucks like your dad, only less cool. I mean, the broad involved in this sex tape (who by the way is definitely not Gene Simmons’ wife Shannon Tweed) is probably a little bit hotter than your mom, but her fake tits and obvious physical revulsion at Simmons’ seasoned physique makes this video about the hardest thing to fap to since that video of the dogs being skinned alive I posted awhile back. Anyways, moving on…

Lindsay Lohan recently recreated Marilyn Monroe’s famous”last sitting,” for an upcoming feature in New York magazine. Check those freckles! Girl looks like she should be modeling for Abby Winters. Now pardon me while I fap.