[With heavy hearts we bring you the last installment of Emilie Clark's Bibliophile column.]

You Say Goodbye, I Say, “Get Lost, I’m Reading”

So, I contemplated a lot of different ways to write this last column. I’ve never been especially good at goodbyes. When everyone else was crying at high school graduation, I was making stupid jokes and eyeing the exit. Part of that was because I hated high school so much, but there’s also a part of me that is unable to fully recognize that a change is coming, so that I always end up at the other side of it a little confused and not fully prepared. I guess this is just the first time I’ve ever been forced to work it out in writing.
Getting the chance to write this column was one of the five best things to happen to me ever. It not only gave me a chance to write off book purchases on my taxes, and think about something other than pastries all day, but it put me in contact with a lot of other book-reading squares out there. Sure, I only ever really got e-mails when I disparaged the Beats, but it’s exponentially better than the amount of e-mail I was getting before (if you discount the ones offering to enlarge my penis).
So anyway, goodbyes are for suckers. And it’s not what they’re paying me the big bucks to do. You all are gonna need something to read while I’m in the City of Roses, and I’m not sure what my successor has planned for you. So here are some of the best things I read this year, which you should probably read this month, before school comes and takes away all your free time.

The Abstinence Teacher, by Tom Perotta: You might remember my review of this book, but if not, then know that it not only focuses on the national debate regarding abstinence education, but also features a pretty awkward love story. When you’re done with it, read Little Children, also by Perotta.

Black Hole, by Charles Burns: I was lucky enough to do an interview with Mr. Burns earlier this year. He may not know how to text message, but he remembers what high was like perfectly.

The Brief, Wondrous Life, Of Oscar Wao, by Junot Diaz: This guy has a pretty good handle on being a teenager as well. Plus the way he writes will pick you up and drop you right down in New Jersey. If you don’t want to read it, don’t fret; I’d bet money that someone is working on a movie adaptation.

The Kid, by Dan Savage: Do not say a word about gay adoption before you read this book. There isn’t much in the way of facts and figures to influence your decision, but if you don’t come away convinced that not only should Dan Savage be allowed to raise kids, but that he should probably raise your kids, then I’ll be mighty surprised.
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[The following column, printed in the Monday, May 5th edition of Synthesis Weekly, is an installment from our literature columnist, Emilie Clark.]

Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me
Edited by Ben Karlin
Grand Central Publishing

In an interesting turn on the book cover theme: Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me, an anthology of essays penned exclusively by men, has a very blue cover. I think it is cornflower blue, but not being an interior design major, I might be wrong about that. Anyway, it seems that sometimes men also get stereotyped and gendered through the use of infantilizing color schemes. But I will say that this blue is a much nicer color than the pink of last week, and I was not embarrassed at all to be seen reading this book. My manly boyfriend says the color wouldn’t embarrass him either. So there you have it.
The premise of this book is pretty obvious. A number of famous and semi-famous male authors and comedians tackle some break-ups and the lessons learned from them. Andy Richter talks about how hard it was for a teenager of his girth to find a girlfriend; Stephen Colbert writes about an old girlfriend, but lets his wife redact the naughty bits; and Neal Pollack tells an especially hilarious cautionary tale about midnight emissions and pets.
Most of the stories are pretty funny, some of the laugh out loud variety, and some of them even have a bit of heart. But I was surprisingly underwhelmed. As I read the list of contributors, my anticipation grew strong, but a lot of the big names seem to have just phoned it in. Standouts include “A Dog is No Reason to Say Together” by Damian Kulash Jr., singer of OK Go, who tells an intriguingly honest story about a relationship that could have been mine or anyone else I know. It’s about that kind of pre-marriage long-term relationship where the terms and contracts are really hard to define and you’re not sure how or when it should end. Another standout is Barbara Karlin’s forward, “I Think My Son is a Catch.” I’m sure you can guess what it’s about.
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