After “postponing” shows in Virigina and California for undisclosed reasons, Van Halen are finally putting their ill-fated tour out of its misery. According to TMZ, hotel bookings for the tour are already being cancelled:

We’re told arrangements are being made right now to cancel hotel stays for the tour — which was scheduled to continue through April 19th. Sources tell us the reason for the cancellation is Eddie — that he is having “issues.”

I think the real issue is that EVH realizes that he totally blew it by kicking Michael Anthony and his Jack Daniel’s bass out of the band. I mean, wouldn’t you miss this guy?

Sit down Waldo, tonight’s Van Halen Concert at John Paul Jones Arena in Charlottesville, VA has been postponed. According to the Richmond Times Dispatch the band’s equipment trucks had already arrived at the venue, suggesting a last-minute catastrophe. Normally we would speculate cocaine/herion overdose, but the boys are getting up there in age; perhaps heart attack or stroke? Maybe Eddie Van Halen’s hair is suffering from exhaustion. Either way, countless Budweiser-fueled tailgate parties will be postponed until an undetermined later date. Same goes for Monday’s concert in Duluth, GA.

John Paul Jones could not be reached for comment. But I still think his production on Butthole Surfers’ Independent Worm Saloon was totally badass.

Whatever, you still can’t front on the drum intro to “Hot For Teacher.”

In other news, I haven’t seen how Eddie Van Halen looks in a bit. Let’s check in:

Eghad! Keith Richards he isn’t. I guess decades of rock doesn’t suit everybody well. Wicked Witch of the West over here.

James’ post somehow reminded me of my first exposure to possibly the most epic metal band of all time, Iron Maiden:

What can be more rock than this? If only Rick Allen had seen this first.

Sadly, I’ve long abandoned buckling my safety belt and I will one day look like Eddie. le sigh.