People will throw money at the darndest things. Like this pretzel, for instance.

… which is being sold on Ebay by a radio DJ out of Eugene, Oregon. The pretzel’s owner, a Mr. Michael Fleming, found it in a bag of Rold Gold’s three years ago. He said this: “People seemed generally moved by these images and they really seem to believe that the Virgin Mary is before them.” Why the hell did he keep the pretzel for three years?

Here’s the description from Ebay:

You are bidding on the coveted Virgin Mary Pretzel. A member of the staff at The Donkey Show (101.5 KFLY and 106.3 KZZE) stumbled across this religious icon a little over two years ago in a Rold Gold pretzel snack bag. Of course we saw the financial implications of this relic, and decided to sell it to the highest bidder. This is a once in a lifetime auction, this pretzel is in mint condition, and could be yours if the price is right. If it was not for the Lord Jesus Christ smiling upon the pretzel factory on the day of this little pretzel’s conception, you would never have the opportunity to have it for your very own. Think of the magic that would enlighten your soul every time you looked at The Virgin Mary Pretzel sitting on your mantle or nightstand, right next to your rosary and bible. Jesus decided to commemorate his virgin mother in a salted treat that can be yours with the highest bid. Bid with confidence, as this item is being posted by a radio show, and we can’t legally lie about something of this magnitude! This little morsel is 100% legit, in the most Holy of ways. This item comes with the original packaging, with “sell by” date included!

28 bidders, 9 days left, $10,100 and rising. I will now carefully inspect everything I eat.

Paul Mawhinney, a Harrisburg, PA business businessman is putting his private record collection up for sale on eBay, which wouldn’t be such a big deal if it weren’t arguably the World’s Greatest Music Collection, consisting of over 3 million records, 300,000 CDs and over 6 million song titles:

Every genre of American music is represented: rock; jazz; country; R&B; blues; new age; Broadway and Hollywood; bluegrass; folk; children’s; comedy; Christmas, and more. No other collection in the world – publicly or privately held – even comes close.

More than half of the recordings in this incredible collection are NEW, with individual records worth hundreds or thousands of dollars each on the collectibles market. Covering many decades of music, the collection includes 78’s, 45 singles and EP’s, LP’s, and CD’s.

At present the collection is stored in a 16,000-foot climate controlled warehouse, where Mawhinney has been busy attempting to catalog the contents of the collection, but, according to his web site “ Advancing age, declining health and associated financial concerns, are forcing the owner of the collection to part with the result of his lifelong passion. It’s not a decision made lightly or without considerable soul searching.” And though he has put his collection on the open market, starting his eBay auction at a cool $3,000,000, Mawhinney is only interested in selling the collection to the right sort of buyer:

The history of 20th century music belongs in a museum (existing or new), or a music library. The collection’s owner is seeking a private collector or a philanthropist willing to buy and donate the collection. A donation would qualify as a tax-deductible event. The collection contains many thousands of duplicate copies, which could be sold individually on the collectibles market to recoup a substantial part of the purchase price. If you’re contemplating creating a museum around the collection, we can help with additional exhibits and design services.

So hey, rich fucks. Need to bury a few million in tax burden in some charitable cause? Why notbuy this record collection for your alma mater and be the coolest alumus in the history of the universe? Even better, if you’re a rich fuck interested in the lulz (ATTN: MARC ECKO), why not buy this shit and put it all on Limewire? Kids who would rather buy bottles of Mad Dog with their allowance than music will thank you for your generosity!

Anyone who read my last post about this knows exactly how I feel about stolen band gear and what I think should happen to the culprits. Jodi Hates The World, whose music I didn’t really like at first, but has since grown on me (think Jane’s Addiction meets the Smashing Pumpkins), recently got their tour van stolen in Oakland, CA. If you frequent pawn shops and seedy neighborhoods, be on the lookout for this stuff:

1994 Doge ram 1500 17 passenger van WA lic 808 SVT

1976 black Gibson Les Paul Custom

Worn finish on neck, star decals, ink drawn “SAI” on back of body where finish has worn off..a big ding right behind the tailpiece…it’s hard to miss this guitar….serial number starts with 001…will get the rest as soon as I locate it

1979 Natural Finish Gibson “The Paul”
Large Chip in headstock. Charlie Brown decal on body..if you look close at the headstock you can see where someone had placed some little heart stickers under the Gibson logo….lots of wear just under the pickups, and where your arm would rest on top of the body…..again, pretty hard to miss…

1970’s Fender Bassman 100 Amplifier (master volume)
Blue powerlight, post-factory power cord with a big yellow plug, hum balance pot has been removed from the back of the amp..has an airplane decal with JHW on it just under the power light…also the faceplate is a little dented under the power light

1990’s Fender Tonemaster 4×12 Speaker enclosure
Lots of duct tape over torn tolex cover.
“JHW” stenciled on the side..it has also been modded to run on 4 ohms instead of 8….

90’s six string Ibanez bass guitar
SR series maple wood body, light brown/tan finish

2003/04 six string Ibanez bass guitar
SR series, mahogany wood body, dark brown finish

3 blue Garcia custom drums (seattle drum shop. jerry garcia. hard to miss)
18×22, 16×20, 18×16

1 Mac Book (white)

2 cymbal bags
1 large black case of drum hardware
1 Kepplinger custom steel snare (holy shit these are amazing snares)
1 Fender Roc Pro 1000 amplifier
1 Marshall 2×12 speaker enclosure

::PEDALS::

2 Boss DS-1 distortion
1 Boss GE-2 qualizer
1 Ibanez Toneloc Phaser
1 Boss DF-2 Distortion/Feedbacker
2 Digitech PDS1002 2 second delay samplers/didital delay…pretty rare to find…one of them has some scorching around the power jack
2 Digitech XP-100 Whammy-wah(both have JHW printed on them)
1 Digitech XP-300 Space station(has Jodi Hates the world printed on it)
1 DOD analog delay..missing the battery cover
1 Electro-Harmonics “Holy Grail” reverb
1 Boss RC-20 Loop Station
1 Boss Tu-2 Tuner
1 Boss flanger (80’s, made in Japan chipped paint…REALLy rare to find nowadays)
1 line 6 delay modeler
1 ART A/B/Y footswitch
1 Hartke head HA5000
1 Hartke cabinet 15xL
1 Hartke cabinet 4.5xL
1 Boss bass overdrive pedal (yellow)
1 Boss DD 3 digital delay pedal (white)
1 Ibanez Toneloc bass distortion pedal (grey)
1 Ibanez Toneloc bass synth pedal (grey)
1 Boss bass pre-amp multi effects
processor (red)(GT6B)
1 BossRC 20XL loop station (red)
2 Shure microphone SM58

Please anyone call me if you hear anything.
CHRIS VANDEBROOKE
415-336-2698
CARGO@EMOCORE.COM

Here’s hoping that once I’m done bashing my face on the lovely concrete driveway, the bloodstains will resemble the face of the solar Messiah in the age of Pisces. Then I could make shit loads of money the holy way on ebay.