As if it weren’t bad enough that every health guru on the planet decries the consumption of almost everything you’d ever want to eat as bad, but now some yokel has gone and ruined my new diet by slapping a name to drinking a lot and eating very little: Drunkorexia.

The subtle art of perfecting drunkorexia isn’t so tough, really. All you have to do is drink a ton of water during peak eating times (most of the time when you feel hungry, you’re really just thirsty. Try it out), then when you get off work or are in a dark corner of your office, start drinking. The water imbibed beforehand will hydrate you up and act as a nice base for the copious alcohol consumption you’ll indulge in for the better part of the night and wee morning hours. Once you get the alcohol hunger satiated, you are free to have a small morsel to whet the appetite: cheap pizza, a streetcorner hot dog, etc. Voila! Weight loss in extreme chunks! Just add cigarettes, some depressing rock music on the stereo and you’re on your way to heroin chic in no time!

Apparently, this new “trend” has been gaining attention in national media outlets. The report went on to mention other trends in the lexicon of eating disorders, none of which make any sense to me.

Me, I don’t like to be labeled, but let’s just say I haven’t not lost almost 20 pounds in two months by way of what experts are now calling “drunkorexia.” Luckily I now have a name to associate to my irrevocable happiness at the slender nature of my torso, but I imagine I’ll be giving it a rest now that it’s officially a “trend.” Fucking doctors…

A snapshot, if you will:

If you are arrested by Federal authorities, you might just have your DNA collected and stored in a database
“Peter Neufeld, a lawyer who is a co-director of the Innocence Project, which has exonerated dozens of prison inmates using DNA evidence, said the government was overreaching by seeking to apply DNA sampling as universally as fingerprinting. (Whereas fingerprints merely identify the person who left them,â€? Mr. Neufeld said, (DNA profiles have the potential to reveal our physical diseases and mental disorders. It becomes intrusive when the government begins to mine our most intimate matters.â€?

More kids in the US are having obesity surgery
“Egged on by TV shows and commercials expounding the benefits of weight-loss surgery, adult patients have begun showing up at Penn’s Center for Weight and Eating Disorders demanding an operation as an easy first step to thinness.
“When we ask them, ‘What have you done so far to lose weight?’ The patients say, ‘Nothing,’” Wadden said. “They’re going right to a $25,000 operation for which they are ill-prepared.” It would be tragic, he said, to see the same phenomenon repeated among children.

A women gave birth in an Atlantic City casino
“At first, she said she mistook the labor pains for gas.”

But hey, at least there’s always eagles carrying deer heads to brighten the mood:

About 10,000 Juneau residents briefly lost power after a bald eagle lugging a deer head crashed into transmission lines.
“The bird, weighed down by the deer head, apparently failed to clear the transmission lines, she said. A repair crew found the eagle dead, the deer head nearby.”