People of the internet, I bring you exalted words of wisdom: quit fucking with large animals at the zoo while drunk. Earlier in the year, some dumb drunken kid was mauled by a tiger at the San Francisco Zoo.  Well, apparently the Ukrainians didn’t get the memo.  At the Mykolaev City Zoo yesterday, a young man (drunk) tried to snap some close ups of the beast, and the bear wasn’t into it.  Reports say the zoo keepers tried to stop the bear by throwing bread into the pen and pouring buckets of water on it’s head.  Oh yea, give the bear appetizers when it’s eating it’s main course, that will stop him dead in his tracks.  FAIL.

Bears at a zoo tore a man ‘limb from limb’ when he climbed into their enclosure to have his picture taken with them.

Egged on by friends, the 22-year-old, who was said to be drunk, was killed when two 360kg (57st) Siberian brown bears charged at him.

Witnesses ran to fetch help as the man tried to escape.

Question: What kind of bear is best?

Answer: See video.

A completely wasted Andy Dick attempted to check into the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas this weekend. He was sloppy to say the least and his clothes were all wet. Dick started a scene in the hotel lobby when he brought his pit bull with him who bit a hotel guest. The Hard Rock kicked him to the curb after the incident but he probably doesn’t remember. This isn’t the first time he has been asked to leave somewhere. He recently wasn’t let into the Skybar and threw a fit and attempted to sneak in. He’s a mess. Should he be added to Dr. Drew’s list of celebrity rehab-ers??

Three drunk men, all in their twenties, decided it would be a good idea to play in Sacramento’s sewer system. They were reminiscing of the good times they had playing sewer dwelling turtles in their make-believe Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game as teens. The men became stuck in the sewer and had to be removed yesterday in the middle of the night.

Police were patrolling the area by the sewer system around 1:00 a.m. when they heard the men. The men used the excuse that they used to explore the sewer as teens, so why couldn’t they now? The men attempted to lift a 100 pound manhole cover and try to get out of the sewer. Once they lifted the manhole a car passed over it causing it to come down onto the head of one of the men.

Firefighters had to climb down into the sewer, strap the injured man to a backboard and lift him out on the rescue board. The firefighters said they have seen a lot of strange things in their line of work but this sewer rescue was a first for them. The man was not seriously hurt.

A drunk 64-year-old Australian man was found asleep on a highway in northern Australia in his motorized wheelchair. The police charged him with drunk driving. Wheeling under the influence? I’ve heard of biking under the influence but only here in the drunkie town that is Chico, Cali.

Police officers saw the man slumped over himself in his wheelchair at 10 a.m. on Friday morning. He must have started early. He was sitting on an exit lane and cars were swerving around him. He was breathalized and blew a 0.301, more than six times over the legal driving limit. He must have started REALLY early. Understandable because the man had to make a nine mile trip to a buddy’s house.

For your info: other classes of vehicles subject to drunk driving laws include horses, bicycles and motorized wheelchairs. So I guess stick with a hand operated wheelchair and get shitfaced.

Last night some friends and I wanted to hang out and have a couple of drinks and pass the time. The problem was, we were (and still are) all broke. So what did we do? I scrounged up 6 dollars worth of quarters and went to my local supermarket. I wanted to get the most bang for my buck so to speak, so I scanned the shelves quite intently looking for the best value. During my search I stumbled upon 24oz cans of ice cold Busch Beer for $1.29 a piece. I hadn’t drank Busch much in my day so I was a little scared, but my financial state facilitated me taking the chance. After tax and CRV it came out to $5.96 for four tall cans. PERFECT!! I have to say I was quite proud of myself for finding such a deal.

After presenting the goods to my grateful friends I took the plunge and cracked one open to try for myself. To say that I was pleasantly surprised would be an understatement. It tasted good!! We all agreed, and proceeded to drink our beers, laugh, make fun of each other, ask a Magic 8 Ball stupid questions, play with a random neighborhood cat, and get investigated by a passing raccoon.

Busch Beer, you rule. Truly as smooth as your name.

Our very own Ryan Prado is a drunken buffoon, and nobody likes him. And although this isn’t him, it’s a guy acting just like him.