We’ve all received emails trying to convince us that our Johnson’s are too small, and to fix that we need to buy some pills, a pump or a hypnosis video. Most people just delete these emails, knowing they are complete rubbish. But what about the people that read the statistics equipped in these emails, do they become psychologically harmed over time?

I am beginning to think so, yes.

There’s one man who’s had enough. A video featuring artists and random people kidnapped off the sidewalks from Chico, CA has just been released onto the interwebs. I assume this video is the result from years of receiving Penis Enlargement spam emails, failure in bed and society’s need to make every person alive feel inadequate. But it could also be a blow in you face because his is bigger than yours. I really don’t know for sure.

Anyways, without further adieu, I present to you The Small Penis Blues.

Note:I am an extra in this video, see if you can find me.

First things fucking first. Go HERE. Get [Edit: Look at] that shit open in another tab. What’s this? It’s the Fortress of Attitude. They have songs to sing about American Gladiators, Aerosmith, Haunted Houses, Math, Burning Books, and Gay Cars. They are on tour RIGHT NOW and if you live in Seattle, Eugene, Arcata, Chico, Oakland or Los Angeles, you are in EXTREME DANGER of sucking if you don’t catch their show.

Don’t be a fucker. Be one with Fortress.

Attention Soldiers!

Exciting times are here for Fortress of Attitude and their soldiers! Their new album, “The Gift of Music,” is now available at http://www.cdbaby.com/fortressofattitude and Itunes (search for “Fortress of Attitude”). Featuring all your favorite FoA hits and a squadron full of new jams, “The Gift of Music” is guaranteed to make your cd player explode or your money back!

Fortress of Attitude also has a new FREE podcast, downloadable at http://www.fortressofattitude.libsyn.com and Itunes (again, search for “Fortress of Attitude”). Dr. Genius and Bomb Threat give you their take on news, movies, sports, and being in a crazy-ass rock band.

Also, don’t miss Dr. Genius’ hilarious ongoing series in which he analyzes lyrics to popular songs and addresses the bizarre and often terrifying implications. Weekly updates can be found at the FoA myspace page, http://www.myspace.com/fortressofattitude.

And most time sensitively, FoA is currently marching on the Northwest of America! Check below to see if they’re rocking near you!

Friday, July 11th - Muddy’s Hot Cup - Arcata, CA
9p.m. show
FREE!

Saturday, July 12th - The Downtown Lounge - Eugene, CA
Midnight show
$5

Sunday, July 13th - Lo-Fi Performance Gallery - Seattle, WA
9p.m. show
FREE!

Wednesday, July 16th - Laffhole at Rebar - Seattle, WA
9p.m. show
$5

Thursday, July 17th - Cafe Coda - Chico, CA
9p.m. show
$3

Friday, July 18th - The Ghost House - Oakland, CA
9p.m. show
$3

Saturday, July 19th - The Tomorrow Show - LA, CA
Midnight SHARP!
$5

For further info on the shows, check out http://www.myspace.com/fortressofattitude or email us back at foa@fortressofattitude.net.

As you can see, the Fortress is running at full capacity these days, but we can’t do it without you! Help us keep the Fortress fully stocked and ready to rock by picking up our cd, listening to the
Tudecast, reading the blog, coming to shows, and anything else to let us know we’ve got your support!

Much Love to all our Sleeper Cells,
FoA

Right outside Synthesis HQ in sunny Downtown Chico, CA is a sprawling concrete square known as Downtown Park Plaza. Once upon a time it was filled with magestic oak trees, but they all got cut down and now we have a fountain that bums wash their asses in and kids get E. Coli from. WINNAR! Even better, the park is always filled with really intelligent folk just waiting to share their wealth of knowledge with the public, like so many scruffy Socrateses. In this video, Synthesis Marketing Boss Cayle Hunter asks a few of these park residents their opinion on the upcoming presidential election.

Brooklyn is home to a few good bands, a few good eateries and a few rad chicks with terrible, ugly-ass haircuts, but I was unaware that the borough is the unofficial home of Summer Dodgeball.

Checking in with Team Saucony (the best life-saving shoe company in the world who recently laced us up here at the office), I started bugging out about their <Monster Truck Announcer Voice> Sunday Summer Dodgeball Series </Monster Truck Announcer Voice> being held at McCarren Park Pool in Brooklyn. Saucony is sponsoring the event, which includes sets by The Hold Steady, Ronnie Spector, Deerhunter and Aesop Rock, among others, and it’s this kind of event that reminds me why Chico, CA is totally beat. Dodgeball MVPs will get their own free pair of kicks, so if you’re reading this Matt Kiser, you better get your ass down there and OWN IT on behalf of your compatriots.

Check out the dates and band lineups after the jump: (more…)

This one comes from right here in good old Chico, CA courtesy of our local shitty paper, the Chico Enterprise Record, and it’s definitely a winnar: “Newfound offensive prowess powers Nuts’ hot start“. The story is about the local American Legion baseball team, The Chico Nuts (a suggestive enough name in and of itself) but really I mean: Prowess? Nuts? Hot? Let’s do a quick google image search using those three word and….Yep. I’m too scared to post the actual image, but if you’re daring you can go here to see what Prowess Nuts Hot means to Google. Its fun. Now excuse me while I go fap somewhere.

Bright Eyes live at the Senator Theater, Chico, CA
Monday, Sept. 24th, 2007
Photos By Melissa Welliver

Check out a full review of the show at the new and sexy Synthesis.net.