“Suicide Is Painless” would be a pretty bad ass final quote to scrawl in the dust on the hood of your car right before you did a swan dive off a bridge, at least that’s what Samuel Israel III thought. The convicted “hedge fund swindler” was supposed to report to federal prison after being sentenced to 20 years in April for being a thieving little bastard. He convinced investors to put more than $450 million in to Bayou hedge funds, which have since collapsed, and was ordered to pay back $300 million to his victims.

Too bad this whole thing is guaranteed to be a farce. The FBI says there has been no body found, and nobody saw anybody jump. I can’t say I blame the dude for faking it though. I mean, if somebody was like “show up at my office in a few weeks to report to prison where you are sure to get used like a dick receptical for about 20 years straight” I would probably find a way to fuck off in the meantime too.