So my girlfriend finally decided that my favorite shorts, some ancient se7en jeans that long ago became cut-offs, have long since passed their expiration date and need to be thrown in the trash immediately. This is a sad day. I mean, besides the giant blood stain on the left leg, the thin strand of material separating my balls from the free air and that fact that anyone caring to look can basically see the outline of my dick at any point during the day, I don’t really see what’s wrong with these shorts. But whatever. I’ll just get some new ones, which will some day be old ones, and then one day I’ll die and it won’t matter anyway.

John McCain says that he would “veto every beer” on accident in this clip. It’s funny and everything, but if that crusty old fuck touches my beer I will kick his shriveled little dick in the dirt.

Yes, Fox News is right-slanted (as opposed to left-slanted) sensational bullshit, but Fox Sports is raising the bar for sports journalism. Like in this piece about…getting hit in the nards.

On this week’s episode of the critically-acclaimed hit series SPORT SCIENCE, host John Brenkus and his team of scientists take a close look at the impact of low blows and examine just how safe protective equipment really is….

In the one test this season you won’t be able to watch and yet won’t be able to take your eyes off of, a human subject volunteers to get hit in the groin with a tennis ball shot out of a cannon at 50 MPH as he is wired from head to toe so Brenkus’ crew can get every reading available to give an exact scientific answer to why the low blow is so crippling.

Yeah he’s got ball(s), but does does Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong have enough ball(s) to take the Boston Marathon championship away from one long-legged Kenyan?

No. Robert Cheruiyot took that shit for the fourth time with 2 hours, 7 minutes, 46 (32 seconds slower than his record. Guess he was just playing with the crowd). Armstrong was running for charity.

From WBZTV

Armstrong finished the course in 2 hours, 50 minutes and 58 seconds…

Armstrong is raising money for the Lance Armstrong Foundation, which pursues an agenda focused on cancer prevention, access to screening and care, the improvement of the quality of life for cancer survivors, and an investment in research.

“I’m excited to be here,” told WBZ’s Steve Burton before the race.

“If I broke 3 hours I’d be happy. I’m not in perfect shape, but the point is to get out here and enjoy it and really be part of the atmosphere and the ambiance of this great marathon.”

Armstrong’s foundation has 50 runners in the race. They hope to raise $250,000.

In celebration of my trip to the bank, here are some other things that go bounce.

“My balls bring people to a magical happy place.” Whether from just the pure joy of being in the proximity of my balls (as in the case of a few lucky ladies with low standards) or in the case of James Barone, out of pure shock (recoiling into his safe dreamworld of elfin maidens and harmonized guitar leads to preserve his last bits of sanity). Last night, passed out on our floor, a certain Synthesis contributer and current CMJ/Spin cog got the real goods when my family jewels dangled over his forehead. My first teabag experience, one that was preordained by various intermittent text messages of “Balls” over the last year. No skin-to-skin contact was made, but it’s the thought that counts. And for the record, I think it was a certainpublisher who put the idea into my head.

“Spencer! Put your balls on MK’s head.”

“aiight.”

So I think I brought the room to a new low…but with hilarious consequences.

This hotel room smells like balls and sadness, and despite having a well-put-together female room mate, there is only so much manstink a girl can absorb. But anyway, my balls are Sunday’s band of the day.

Also, I;m pretty much sure that I am now a Member of Soundtrack of Our Lives.