Breath easy internet, I have returned to my blogging post. Over the last week and a half I’ve been journeying up the Pacific Coast with Bear Hunter . As it turns out, when I try and write on my laptop while in the van I start to puke all over my band mates — hence, my absence from Synthesis Blog. Over the next few days I will be recounting my harrowing journey (in between fascinating posts about pop stars getting busted for drugs, children with weird growths on their bodies and general paranoid-paranormal fodder). Get ready, dear readers. Get your asses ready.

[The following was written by Synthesis Weekly columnist Emilie Clark. She can be reached at emilie@synthesis.net.]

Coming Soon

It’s a well-known fact that people like to adapt movies from books. It’s also a well-known fact that most of these efforts suck. So it’s my job to warn you about upcoming adaptations so you have ample time to read the book. This gives you the chance to complain about inconsistencies and general “suckiness” while still in the theater, making you look learned and therefore more attractive. You can thank me later.

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, July 4th: This is a documentary, so I guess it won’t really do to get mad about liberties taken with the adaptation. But it can’t hurt to read some of the famous Gonzo’s work if only for your own amusement. From the description it seems like the filmmakers are big fans, which can be bad in a documentary if you’re trying to eek out truth. The gist I get is that the point the film makes is that Thompson did what journalists are too afraid to do nowadays, namely get high and write caustic things about politicians. This may be true, but I easily tire of ‘60s and ‘70s nostalgia. Sure people were a bit crazier back then and I’m sure there are things to be learned from that era, but it’s over, so deal.

Journey To the Center of the Earth 3D, July 11th: Based on the classic Jules Verne novel about a rogue scientist who travels to, you guessed it, the center of the earth. According to Wikipedia, this novel didn’t age as well as some of Verne’s other works, because he was mostly wrong about what is contained in the center of the earth. However, none of that really matters because this movie is in 3D. And I will watch anything in 3D, even if it stars Brendan Fraser.

more upcoming adaptations after the jump.
(more…)

While the rest of the world is beginning to face a major food crisis, prompting the UN to get off their collective fat ass, Americans are still trying their best to lose weight. Today on the Morning Show, one of the topics was the HCG Diet, which includes injecting HCG (Human ChorioGonadotropin) Hormone while eating a daily 500-calorie diet. Hey, here’s an idea:

How about instead of injecting your body with hormones and starving yourself, JUST EAT LESS. Try getting off the HOG diet.

Here’s another idea: instead of driving every single place you go, work off some of that FAT ASS of yours and ride a bike. Instead of taking the elevator, take the stairs. You fat ass piece of shit.

The most difficult bog I’ve ever had to ‘write.”

More “journalism” after the jump. (it gets better) (more…)

Seemingly every Friday, Synthesis Weekly publisher Karen asks Daniel Taylor what he’s writing about in his column, “Hot Flashes.” Invariably, the answer will be “scratching my balls” or “fucking” or “ass-piss,” or any number of delightful, insightful subjects. Then Karen will lovingly scold Daniel, he’ll write whatever, people will read it on Monday and all will be well and right in the world. However, a recent study shows that using foul language in the workplace can lead to stress reduction and a boost in camaraderie.

Professor Yehuda Baruch, professor of management at the Norwich-based institution, warned bosses that any moves to prevent workers from swearing could have a negative impact.

“Our study suggested that, in many cases, taboo language serves the needs of people for developing and maintaining solidarity, and as a mechanism to cope with stress. Banning it could backfire.

“Managers need to understand how their staff feel about swearing. The challenge is to master the art of knowing when to turn a blind eye to communication that does not meet with their own standards.”

And that’s from the UK Sun, a true bastion of journalistic integrity. Truth.

…is removed, but homeboy still looks kinda like Jabba The Hut.

Huang Chuncai holds the record for most facial tumors and is the most interesting looking person on the planet.

“I used t feel very uncomfortable. Now that the more-than-10 kilogram tumor has been cut off, i feel very relieved.”

Full Story HERE.

Neurofibroma is a Motherfucker.

sorry, but I’d hate myself more if I didn’t point this out: