For all those awaiting Ashlee Simpson’s summer tour starting on June 9th, it seems as though your hearts may be broken. Citing the following reasons under “The Dog Ate My Tour” on her website, the coming tour will be canceled. And I quote…

1. jury duty (but you can get out of jury duty once)
2. creative differences (but I’m a solo artist so that didn’t make sense)
3. not in the mood/have a headache (wait, that was an excuse for Pete! and it didn’t work. See next reason)
4. the baby

It must be a nice luxury to cancel a tour at the drop of a hat. I’m sure it would have been a real taxing grind to sit on a luxurious tour bus all day for a month straight. Never mind the legions of moms-to-be that work 40 hours a week up until the week before they give birth. Simpson leads a tough life.

Though Fall Out Boy chairman and overall winnar of the music world Pete Wentz’s penis has been widely seen on the internetz, there was as of yet no HARD evidence that his use of anti-anxiety pills hadn’t made his rock as soft as his band’s. Now however, comes the announcement that Pete Wentz has won his very own fuck trophy with his new wife Ashlee Simpson:

"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family." - Pete and Ashlee Wentz

All jokes aside, congrats to the new couple on their pre-baby.

Rumors have been circling for a while, but now the truth has been confirmed and fifteen-year-old, emo-core, teenyboppers everywhere will be slitting their wrists today.

As reported on friendsorenemies.com:

“We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us.”
- Ashlee and Pete

It’s a little said that cute little Simpson sister is off the market, but to be honest I lost interest after the nose job. As usual there is some speculation that Simpson is preggers, so be on the lookout for that fall out boy baby bump.

Will the world be looking forward to a lip syncing, hoe-down dancing, sugar-we’re-DEFINITELY-going-down bobbit? The world is shocked amid reports that Ashlee Simpson and squeeze Pete Wentz actually tried sex, let alone succeeded in creating the most doomed child since dear little Suri Cruise. It’s been said that they’re keeping things quiet (surprise, surprise) but that Pete pulled the ultimate romantic gesture and and went down, down, in an earlier round on one knee and popped the big question. Poor child.

With a mother following closely in the footsteps of Brittany Spears, in not only blonde ambition but musical skill (or lack thereof), one can only wonder if the rumored tot may someday be sporting the same therapist as Sean Preston, Suri, and J.J. Of course, one also wonders with a government that can follow internet conversations so stealthily, why didn’t they STOP THIS!!??! Please, let’s pray to the saints of sanity that it’s just a rumor and the stars are not once more populating our world with (dare I say it?) the curse of Hollywood.

Still, Star Magazine has a picture of the youngest Simpson rubbing her stomach (indigestion, anyone?) and you know what that means, BABY ON BOARD! Or some bad tacos..

If you actually care enough to read the full (or not so much) story, go here.

Ashlee Simpson: “Bitch stop talking to me. I’m nice!