I can’t stop watching it. It doesn’t get old. It’s like a sickness - a disease. A disease that makes you laugh a lot.

Hulk Hogan has had better years to be sure. Even after his comeback as host of American Gladiators, and his reality TV show, Hogan couldn’t seem to fight the frothing lusts of the paparazzi, as information has come to light of a purported Hogan affair. Son Nick Hogan was recently picked up for reckless driving, and the whole goddamn thing is too much for Brooke Hogan, who has apparently gone over the edge and is in the throes of a mental breakdown.

Maybe the gods are trying to tell you something, Hulk: You should have quit while you were ahead. You should have retired after you bodyslammed Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III, or after you bodyslammed Earthquake in the mid-’90s. Or at least after your cameo in Rocky III (because Suburban Commando sucked). Don’t slander your image anymore than you already have; there’s still an army of aging Hulkamaniacs ready to stay in school and eat their vitamins. I promise, it’s not too late…

Ukrainian veterinarian Leonid Stadnik was recently noted by the Guinness Book of World Records as the tallest living man on Planet Earth at a shocking 8 feet, 5 inches tall, surpassing China’s Bao Xishun (who only measured up to a measly 7 foot 9 inches…nice try, Bao). The AP article posted today regales a sad tale of Stadnik’s recent firing by way of his imposing height, and the benevolent gestures of fellow countrymen for providing he and his mother (with whom he lives) with materials to help him lead a more “normal” life.

Me, I’m scared shitless of anything bigger than, um, me. Or of anything even remotely bigger than it needs to be. Largemouth Bass? Get the fuck away. Moose? Sounds like a nightmare. But what I’d love to encourage Stadnik to do, rather than mope and/or pine about his awesome size, would be to revel endlessly in the sheer intimidation his physique inflicts upon people. Like Andre the Giant’s character Fezzik in The Princess Bride, Stadnik seems to be lamenting his plight rather than indulging in it.

Fezzik, when pressed, would certainly dabble in scare tactics to get his way or to help his friends out. Why does everyone abnormal by the standards of our obviously ridiculous societal structure want to be “normal.”

So, Mr. Stadnik, I implore you, sir, to get out there and dominate the land. Take what you can get, while you can, when you can. You have support from the West. And don’t take offense if we ever meet and I run away…