Dan Aykroyd has lost it. Or this is a joke? I’m Russian and I love my vodka, but this is just plain creeping me out.

Thousands of years ago, thirteen crystal heads were scattered across the earth – and they are greater and more powerful than anything we have the ability to manufacture today. Their workmanship is perfect: they contain no tool marks and have been cut against the natural axis of the crystal, defying the laws of physics. Some say they are artifacts from the lost civilization of Atlantis, some say they date back to the Mayans, still others say they were created by a higher intelligence.

Brought together, the Crystal Heads are said to contain vast knowledge and enlightenment capable of unlocking our most enigmatic ancient mysteries. Alone, each is believed to house radiant psychic energy, which has magical powers and healing properties.

Tequila lovers everywhere should be worried. Tequila may become a beverage of the past as Mexico is leaving the cactus-like plant from which it is made for more profitable crops. Cash crops like wheat and corn are much more profitable than blue agave.

Agave was worth about 80 cents per pound six years ago and now sells for about two cents or less!

Many farmers are burning their agave crops to make room for new harvests. Corn is mostly where the money is now. Plus, agave takes six years to grow. That is a huge investment to potentially lose. So I guess tequila is scarce, get it while you can!

In celebration of the Olympics starting in two days I bring you… Beer Olympics! Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame quarterback, recently got himself in some hot water for partaking in the Beer Olympics when pictures of the games surfaced. Proof that Facebook really can come back to haunt you.

Basic rules & regulations:

Equipment: Keg (or 2), bat, ping pong balls, hard alcohol, shot glasses, a funnel, red cups, ten+ worthy drunkasses. Matching jerseys will definitely up your teams morale.

Games played, quickly & in order: Dizzy bat, beer pong, flip cup, quarters and the funnel (aka beer bong).

For some reason “The Thong Song” is the theme song of the opening ceremonies and the Baja Men are supposed to play as the winner stands on the podium.

The Rules, Events, and Ways to Become a Champion:

In the real Olympics (the one without the beer) there are multiple events with solo and/or team competitors all vying for medals in a variety of sports. You don’t have the time, energy, or alcohol tolerance to do any of this, so the best way to have the most fun while getting the largest number of competitors involved is the Team Relay event. Take your participants and split them in half, preferably in old school kickball pick-teams style, and be sure to choose your team wisely as they’ll have to be skilled in all areas of drinking and boast a very high alcohol tolerance, an uncanny ability to play drinking games, and most likely an embarrassing GPA. Now that you’ve got your team and forced them through the random drug testing, to make sure that they are inebriated, you can move on to the competition.

Although it’s getting better now that the day is progressing, strolling in here this morning was like walking into a scene from Dawn of the Dead. We put a man on the moon, can fit supercomputer’s worth of knowledge on phones and made Egos with filling in them, but somehow modern science has yet to figure out how to kill a hangover. Brilliant. While the surefire way to not be hung all day is to not consume a case or 3 of beer, there’s a couple of options you have with battling the symptoms.

Pantera were always know for being massive drinkers, and rumor has it that they used to take cases of Pedialyte with them on tour. Back in the day, every time I went to Costco I would pick up some. While most of us will reach for Gatorade, the fact is that there’s way too much sugar in these suckers to make you feel better, and at most it will take away the dry throat. Pedialyte is formulated for children’s diarrhea problems, and it gets you replenished in no time.

For the super br00tal mornings, there’s a recipe that will knock all the bad feelings out of you. Check it:

1. Take 2 aspirin
2. Take 200mg cysteine (available at specialty food stores)
3. Take 600mg vitamin C
4. Take 1 tablet vitamin B-complex
5. Mix the following ingredients together in a blender:

* 1 banana
* 1 small can V-8
* 6 large strawberries
* 2 tablespoons honey
* 1 cup orange juice
* 1-2 cups milk (or soy milk), to desired consistency
* ¼ tsp. salt
* dash of nutmeg
6. Drink it all up.

I used to do a variation of this about 2 years ago when my liver could take a beating, and it almost forces the bad feelings out of you (either by being effective or making you throw everything up). The trick is the cysteine…

There are several things, however, that you can put into your body to ease the pain and assist rapid recovery, including a little-known substance called cysteine. Cysteine directly counteracts the poisonous effects of acetaldehyde.

Last is for when you just don’t give a fuck: get back on the wagon! Go down to the pub and order a Bloody Mary. Although it’s not fixing much, it’ll soothe you back into the real world.

This three part series of Absolut Vodka ads by marketing genius Zach Galifianakis is probably the most awkward way to promote your product, ever.

Camitz Sparking Vodka is made in Sweden & I’m wondering why no one thought of this sooner?? They use a special carbonation process so that the air being trapped doesn’t alter the taste. It comes in a champagne bottle and the cork pops too! This is just in time for summer so check out the cocktail recipes on their Web site.