A drunk 64-year-old Australian man was found asleep on a highway in northern Australia in his motorized wheelchair. The police charged him with drunk driving. Wheeling under the influence? I’ve heard of biking under the influence but only here in the drunkie town that is Chico, Cali.

Police officers saw the man slumped over himself in his wheelchair at 10 a.m. on Friday morning. He must have started early. He was sitting on an exit lane and cars were swerving around him. He was breathalized and blew a 0.301, more than six times over the legal driving limit. He must have started REALLY early. Understandable because the man had to make a nine mile trip to a buddy’s house.

For your info: other classes of vehicles subject to drunk driving laws include horses, bicycles and motorized wheelchairs. So I guess stick with a hand operated wheelchair and get shitfaced.

Rodney King will appear in the next season of the VH1 reality show, “Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew.” The show highlights washed out celebrities dealing with drug and alcohol abuse. They are put in the care of famous addiction specialist Dr. Drew Pinsky.

King’s beating by the Los Angeles police in 1991 lead to deadly rioting and his famous plea for peace. King will appear on the show with Jeff Conaway, Tawny Kitaen, former Guns N’ Roses drummer Steven Adler and Rod Stewart’s son Sean. The new season will premiere in October cause doesn’t everyone want to watch wacked out stars with really bad withdrawl symptoms? Not so much.

Our very own Ryan Prado is a drunken buffoon, and nobody likes him. And although this isn’t him, it’s a guy acting just like him.

My friends and I like to drink. We like to drink because we like to get drunk. We don’t like to get so drunk we wake up in a pool of our own piss and vomit (which has been known to happen at times) but we like to see how close we can get to that point while still having a good time. JUDGE ME!!!

Luckily for us we live in a small college town (Chico CA! What!) and booze is cheap as fuck. Wednesday nights, while dudes in L.A. are standing in line, obeying the STUPID fucking dress code, and paying a 20 or 30 dollar cover just for the privilege of paying 16 bucks for a shot and beer, we here in Chico enjoy what is called “Buck Night”. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, want a beer? One dollar. Want a whiskey coke? One dollar. Shit, last night I paid for a drink with 4 quarters I found on the counter before we left the house! (I know it sounds pathetic, but I’m broke so fuck off.)

It was on one of these buck nights that we discovered the best way to start off your night of boozing EVAR! It’s called the Combo Combo, in honor of our local shitty 24 hour diner, Jacks. A Combo Combo at Jacks is basically for the people that want one of everything on the menu. At Denny’s it looks something like this, but at Jacks it has way more shit:

The Combo Combo as it relates to booze is: One shot of Jack Daniels whiskey. One Coke chaser. One Jager Blaster (a full Red Bull with a double shot of Jager served in a pint glass and downed like a shot). One ice cold Bud Light bottled beer.

When you order 2 Combo Combo’s it looks something like this:

It’s the perfect way to start off your night because after taking it you can just sip on beers all night to maintain your buzz, and the Red Bull gives you that extra shot of energy you need to build up the courage to go get rejected by a bunch of girls that are way out of your league.

Get on the Combo Combo train or you are blowing it hard!!! Just remember, don’t go overboard with them or you will end up like this dousche:

Loss.

Three quarters of a century ago America was in a state of turmoil and disarray. The Great Depression hit about five years previous, and times were tough. Though the Stock Market began to improve in early 1930, Americans were still reluctant to incur debt and declined spending coupled with the Dust Bowl drama in the south kept unemployment at an all time low. As if that weren’t enough to make a man crazy, our belt-tightening ancestors also had to deal with prohibition. I can’t imagine much worse than losing all your worldly possessions, failing to provide for your family, and having to cope with all that sober. No beer to take the edge off of stark destitution and that’s just tragic. But on April 7th of 1933 some relief finally came. (more…)

I think SXSW broke my brain a little bit. When I got back and I had a show to play that week, I started brainstorming. The result was taking two pages out of the Tony Clifton playbook, one page out of Neil Hamburger’s, and a paragraph of Bill Hicks, and roll them into possibly the best show I’ve ever played.

Drunk Not Retarded by Catlike Reflexes

Half of the audience loved it. The other half was calling for blood. I don’t think I’m going to get invited back to Nick’s Night Club, but fuck it, that place is over rated anyway, and it was worth it.