I’ll admit, things in America suck right now, compared to the salad days of the late-nineties. But from the daily headlines regarding the current financial downturn, you’d think Hoovervilles are already springing up outside every major American city. As I’ve pointed out in previous posts, the hyperbole surrounding these events is laughable once you get into the meat of the stories. Like the story a few weeks back about the “ruined lives” of Bear Stearns employees, in which one executive stock options were worth a mere $28 million dollars, and lesser employees were forced to put their “weekend homes” up for sale, or another story about the California housing market in which the shrinking pool of mortgage related credit had forced one homeowner to “cut back on travel” and find other means by which to pay for his “investment properties.” Today, I found yet another golden quote, in a story with the dire headline “Food Costs Rising Fastest in 17 Years,” which definitely sounds scary. Should we expect food riots in the streets of New York? Soviet-style bread lines at bakeries nationwide? OMG WHAT DO WE HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF NOW???! How about $20 key lime pies that now cost $25?

Steve Tarpin can bake a graham cracker crust in his sleep, but explaining why the price for his Key lime pies went from $20 to $25 required mastering a thornier topic: global economics. The owner of Steve’s Authentic Key Lime Pies in Brooklyn said he didn’t want customers thinking he was “jacking up prices because I have a unique product.”

“I have to justify it,” he said.

I somehow doubt that anyone who could afford a $20 key lime pie is somehow going to starve now that they have to pay $5 more. But then the story got even better:

“I was talking to people who make $9 an hour, talking about how they might save $5 a week,” said Kathleen DiChiara, president and CEO of the Community FoodBank of New Jersey. “They really felt they couldn’t. That was before. Now, they have to.”

For some, that means adding an extra cup of water to their soup, watering down their milk, or giving their children soda because it’s cheaper than milk, DiChiara said

Umm…have they ever heard of WATER?? It’s this thing that runs out of the faucet. And guess how much it costs?? $0.0000000!!11 But I guess if you’re poor you’re not really interested in giving your kids something healthy to drink, especially not something totally free.

Here’s a link to a super uplifting post on io9.com called 12 Ways To Prepare For The Next Great Depression. I’m going to start stockpiling coffee and dried meats.

Get out of your mortgage before the housing market collapses any further. As this site says, if you paid $300,000 for your house and it sells for $200,000, you could end up not owning your house and owing the bank $100,000.

Buy some cheap land in a rural area. Build a house, or just get a used RV. Either way, make sure you own your home free and clear, so you can live rent-free and mortgage-free for as long as you need to.

Go off the grid. Get your own power generator — or, better yet, some of those solar helium balloons. Or some wind turbines. Don’t be dependent on the power company to keep all your necessities running.

Cultivate some skills that will always be in demand. Become a decent electrician, handy-person, carpenter or cook. There may not be much need for someone who understands content management systems during a total economic shutdown, but someone who can build a house will always have a place to crash.

Go read the rest and start saving that canned food.

 From a story in today’s San Francisco Chronicle regarding the Fed’s bailout of Bear Stearns and what it signified in terms of the economic downturn spreading throughout US financial markets:

Bay Area consumers are feeling the pain. Pleasant Hill resident Caleb Mitchell, 25, had his Washington Mutual home equity line cut in half last month to $55,000 from $110,000. He had already drawn $54,400, leaving him just $600 in additional borrowing power. ”The security blanket I had for myself is now gone,” he said.Mitchell, who works as a real estate agent, used the credit line to help cover payments on investment property he owns. Now he’s cutting back on travel and other spending, and looking for other sources of financing. 

So, lets see. The SIX-FIGURE credit line, some douche used to float his INVESTMENT PROPERTIES got cut to a meager $55,000, meaning he had to face the unbearable hardship of “cutting back on TRAVEL.” No one wonder most of the world is waiting for us to crash and burn. Excuse me while I subscribe to Adbusters.