The latest stream of anti-meth ads are getting a little disturbing.  I’m guessing that it’s working considering I see faces of twearkers in my nightmares.  At this point, I’m just glad I don’t have kids, because fielding a “why does that lady look like a zombie” question from a 6 year old girl doesn’t sound too appealing.

[The following was written by Synthesis Weekly columnist Emilie Clark. She can be reached at emilie@synthesis.net.]

Coming Soon

It’s a well-known fact that people like to adapt movies from books. It’s also a well-known fact that most of these efforts suck. So it’s my job to warn you about upcoming adaptations so you have ample time to read the book. This gives you the chance to complain about inconsistencies and general “suckiness” while still in the theater, making you look learned and therefore more attractive. You can thank me later.

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, July 4th: This is a documentary, so I guess it won’t really do to get mad about liberties taken with the adaptation. But it can’t hurt to read some of the famous Gonzo’s work if only for your own amusement. From the description it seems like the filmmakers are big fans, which can be bad in a documentary if you’re trying to eek out truth. The gist I get is that the point the film makes is that Thompson did what journalists are too afraid to do nowadays, namely get high and write caustic things about politicians. This may be true, but I easily tire of ‘60s and ‘70s nostalgia. Sure people were a bit crazier back then and I’m sure there are things to be learned from that era, but it’s over, so deal.

Journey To the Center of the Earth 3D, July 11th: Based on the classic Jules Verne novel about a rogue scientist who travels to, you guessed it, the center of the earth. According to Wikipedia, this novel didn’t age as well as some of Verne’s other works, because he was mostly wrong about what is contained in the center of the earth. However, none of that really matters because this movie is in 3D. And I will watch anything in 3D, even if it stars Brendan Fraser.

more upcoming adaptations after the jump.
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Britain’s favorite little drug addict was at it again last night, reportedly punching Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi in the face and head butting a stranger who was trying to hail her a cab…

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I’m really glad I got a text from our good friend and balls champion earlier today. You see, I was about to go out on the street and slang, and I was about to do it all wrong. My boy told me to look up “Thug life Commandments,” and I’m glad he did. In Thug Life’s “Ten Crack Commandments Interpreted by True OGs,” we learn the tips of the trade, and ways to continue to follow the true American entrepreneurial spirit without getting shot or locked up.

Take for instance Rule #5. I was about to start selling meth to college freshmen out of my bedroom, but now I know better.:

5th Commandment
Never Sell No Crack Where You Rest At

If you sell crack where you lay yo head, yo crib gon become a target fo 5-0, jackers, addicts and niggas who rob slangas. To avoid this heat, git you some crack houses, Find abandoned cribs in da hood and tak’em over. Fortify yo shit wit security bars, steel doors and security cameras and git you some young and up and coming hoods to be yo lookouts.

Not sure how well this translates from crack to meth, but it’s a good start, and some decent guidelines for sure. This is the shit that the characters in The Wire kinda gloss over. It’s like they figure you should already know this shit because you grew up with it. That’s fucked. Us suburban middle class-raised white folks sure have a major disadvantage. KnowaddimeSane?

In order to help paint her opponent Barack Obama as the “elitist” candidate, on the heels of his recent remarks in San Francisco that small town Midwesterners “get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations,” Hillary Clinton took shots of Crown Royal and ate a slice of pizza with Indiana supporters on Saturday. Hopefully this marks a new turn in the contest for the Democratic nomination, in which Clinton and Obama see who can party hardest. Maybe Obama will start doing cocaine again. But that might be a little too “elitist.” He should probably switch to Meth, and really get after that small town vote!

Living pretty much right off of I-5, you get to form a pretty close relationship with methamphetamines; either as a user or spectator. Glad to say myself and (most of) my friends fall squarely in the latter category. But it certainly is entertaining to bike by those deep into their herky-jerky meth binges. It’s almost lovable. Almost…

Nothing like beauty tips from meth addicts…here’s how to turn a scum bag into a total piece of shit: Just add meth. Our local version is almost as sweet as the national.