[Synthesis blog once again brings you the philosophy of Synthesis Weekly columnist Mad Bob. With no further adieu, we present to you Immaculate Infection.]

Beauty, Paranoia and Black Holes

J. Edgar Hoover: J. Edgar Hoover was the former head of the FBI and a severely sinister and creepy individual. He was twisted and power-hungry and would stop at nothing to increase his own influence and prestige. He built the FBI into a potent law enforcement tool but he also used that potency to achieve his own selfish and strange gains.
One of the suspect activities the FBI indulged in under Hoover’s watch was to secretly wiretap figures within the Civil Rights movement. As a result, the FBI accumulated hours upon hours of clandestine footage of Civil Rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. While the practice is dubious and illegal, historians today are absolutely ecstatic to have this treasure trove of information that shines a light into the personality of such a dynamic public figure.

It turns out that what Martin Luther King Jr. revealed in those tapes is even more selfless and righteous than his public personae. He was not an attention-seeker; in fact he consistently bemoaned the public role that was thrust upon him. King spoke often of being tired, of just wanting to go back to being a preacher, which he felt was what God had called upon him to do. But, with the encouragement of the people with whom he had surrounded himself, he pushed on until the fateful day he was assassinated in April of 1968. Incidentally, there is more than a little suspicion that Hoover’s FBI was involved in that incident.

Listening through these tapes, Hoover did not take away the beauty and selflessness of the man in question. Instead, he focused his attention on King’s imperfections. The tapes revealed that King was an adulterer and Hoover quickly labeled him a sexual deviant and a hypocrite. He found every avenue he could to dehumanize and tear down a great man.
It is difficult for me to explain this, but I feel badly for J. Edgar Hoover. How could a man have so much hatred in his heart that they fail to see the brilliance of a once-in-a-lifetime figure like Martin Luther King Jr.?


Withdrawing the Benefit of the Doubt: It is jading, but helpful, to understand that there are people out there very much like this — people whose hearts are so hardened and filled with cynicism that they would miss the beauty that surrounds them. The truth of the matter is that the establishment is fundamentally afraid of change. It makes sense; if one has power, they will do whatever they have to do in order to hold onto it. This is why you will never see the Federal Government choosing to decentralize its power and shift it to states and local government. This is why the establishment was afraid to let blacks and women vote. This is why the Chinese army drove tanks into Tiananmen Square, and this is why more recently the Burmese Government slaughtered monks. This is why the establishment crucified a man for speaking a new philosophy and causing agitation amongst the populace.
So anyway — I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt. For years I have, in my head, reconciled George W. Bush’s actions with the unique pressures and situations he finds himself in. I have said to myself, “Well, I’m sure that his intentions are good.” I formally withdraw that benefit of the doubt. I have come to the conclusion that people like Bush and Cheney simply don’t see the beauty in this world. Bush may see beauty in some perceived afterlife, and as for Cheney, I am not convinced he sees beyond dollars and cents and beyond the limitations of his own lifetime. My conclusion is that these guys are in it for their lifespans and then they’ll leave the mess for generations after them to deal with. It’s a sinister world view, but actions don’t lie. You don’t break laws, establish a secretive cabal-like government, drop bombs, consistently increase military spending and wage preemptive warfare because you’re trying to create a peaceful and tolerant future. It is pure and simple retention of power.

Black Holes and Cosmic Lessons: It goes on and on. But we can find pertinent patterns in nature. A black hole sucks everything into it until, as the theory goes, it reaches critical mass. Then all the accumulated centralized energy and power bursts forth and is once again disseminated to the universe.
Power centers will crumble, establishments will fall.
Come on people — send me your thoughts and ideas. Madbob@madbob.com.

Happy Easter Monday everybody. To commemorate the 1,975th anniversary of Jesus’ resurrection (if you’re the type who goes for that sort of thing…) I thought I’d share my 10 favorite Jesus jokes.

1. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Dude was hung like THIS.

2. An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. “Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter. “I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man. St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”

3. What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

4. Jesus walks into a motel, gives the innkeeper three giant nails and asks, “Can you please put me up for the night?”

5. Did you know that after the crucification, Jesus pretty much lost his sweet tooth? The M&Ms kept falling through the holes in his hands.

6. What did Jesus say when they removed his hands from the cross? *waves arms frantically* GET THE FEET!!

7. Jesus finds a small crowd who has surrounded a young woman they believed to be a prostitute. They are preparing to stone her to death. To diffuse the situation, Jesus says: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.” Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picks up a rock and scores a direct hit on the woman’s head, breaking her skull and rendering her dead on the spot. Jesus frowns and looks over at the old lady: “Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off.”

8. Why wouldn’t Jesus be good on a hockey team? He’ll get nailed to the boards. That and the illegal headgear.

9. Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter “Where is my father?” But St. Peter says he doesn’t know. He asks the archangel Gabriel “Where is my father?” But Gabriel doesn’t know. He asks John the Baptist “Where is my father?” But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. “Stop!” Jesus yells. “Who are you?” “Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son.” Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? “Tell me of your son, old man.” “Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know…” “Father!!!!!” Screams Jesus. “Pinocchio!!!!!!!” yells the old man.

10. What did Jesus say as he was being crucified? “Ahhhhhhhhhhh…!”

Here’s a few honorable mentions. They’re visual jokes so, you know, use your imagination.

Q: How does Jesus masturbate? A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]

Say “What’s this ???” while you hold your palm up to your mouth and make biting gestures. … Jesus biting his nails ….

How much does Jesus love you? *Spread arms and look mopey* This much.

That just gave me a huge res-erection.

To paraphrase Bill Hicks: “Yeah I said that joke a month ago and these guys come up to me. ‘hey BUDDY! I don’t think that’s funny. I’m a Christian.’
Bill Hicks shrugs. “Then forgive me…”

Brought to you by: The Internet

2008 being a leap year, we will have one more shopping day before Christmas. If you’re not spending that day spending, I suggest educating yourself a bit on the origins of Christmas: you know, baby Jesus, three wise me, Pagan Rituals that early Christians adopted to make Christianity seem more appealing to would-be converts. Oh, and powerful hallucinogenic drugs and human sacrifice.

God Bless Tradition.

The make a man an offender in his cause and lay a snare, you know they try to trip a nigga up like me. You know, ‘cuz I ain’t following whiteys rule!
You know… Speak to me…

Are you laughing bee-yotch? Ha, you find it funny? You find it funny? Huh? So, wait,
you ain’t hear me, huh? I’ll say it again. I come in the name of Jesus, repeat after me bitch! I come in the name of Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit. God almighty, you know, ruler of Heaven and Earth and every God damn thing in between! You understand me now?

Speak to me! State your name, first and last name. Talk to me! Correct God… Correct God… Ain’t none of y’all correct me by my word. I’ll give you some scriptures…
Revelations, Chapter 16… 5 and 7
Revelations, 15:4
Ezekiel, Chapter 5… Verse 15

Caller, caller you on the line! Charles! Yeah. Say what? Mother fucker I ain’t looking for you! You probably looking for a cult member mother fucking check Heaven’s Gate… travel the hell up out of here! What do you know about the Lord? What ‘chu know about the Lord? What you know about the Lord. Now tell me… I come in the name of Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit. Let’s stay focused! You wanna see the flesh ‘cuz you see flesh and shit and you know whitey always told you, “A man can’t be God!” Huh, what you calling me for? I told you what I’m about. It’s about getting the lawyers training ‘em up in the word with these scriptures and we going to help the poor and the fatherless that can’t afford… That cant afford them lonely-lee-dollaz! The dollaz, you see! They can’t afford justice… I know you all into justice! Just like white supremacists, huh? White supremacists! But together so your ass hanging from the noose, black man!

Next caller… John! John, go ahead… ‘Eh, wuz ‘hattnin? Say what? Say what? You trust in the devil, huh? Well, if God’s in the devil, by the name of Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit… then mother fucker you fucked up, huh? You fucked up! You know your ass is doomed! What you got to speak? If you don’t know shit I’m speaking on this whole topic I’m bringing up… then shut your god damn ass up! Haha, damn… You trust in hell mother fucker and you’re already in hell! Just like I trust in heaven and I’m already there mother fucker! You the one going… you believe in death huh God damn murderer! You ? blessings brother but when I find them I’m gonna get those mother fuckers! They be the ones always laying laws talkin’ large? In front of fuckin’ boards/boys? Fuck that! I got that glock locked back…

Given you all what you hoping for. You ain’t hoping in the Lord… You hoping in vain, material, superficial shit. That’s why you cant see me, house niggaz!
(more…)

Syke. Griffin got knocked down yet another step on the Hollywood totem pole after her acceptance speech during the taping of the Creative Arts Emmys.

“A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus,” an exultant Griffin said, holding up her statuette.

The As of now, Christian groups already tagged it as ‘hate speech’, and I’m sure Fox News will be on this like a cheap suit instead of the far less interesting problems in Darfur, Iraq, etc.

Props to Kathy… I’m not condoning Jesus hating and whatnot, but this is the most press shes received since Synthesis writer Spencer tried to convince the entire internet that her and Andy Dick were the same person.

Greatest line: “Suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now”.