The woman at the airline counter furrowed her brows. “Let me see if we can do that.” Four canvas bags, stuffed to the brim with magazines, candy, guitar picks, buttons and CDs, and I was attempting to get it on our plane. She eventually accommodated my request, hoisting the swag bags into a plastic bag. I crossed my fingers that it would arrive safely. But on the other hand, it didn’t matter. All that shit was free (except the case of guitar strings I bought from GHS for a steal). Free, free, free. Not to play to stereotype, but my Judiasm really came in handy when considering that if I didn’t take it, and it wasn’t going to be properly utilized, it was just going to go to waste and they would have to throw it away….and that’s the REAL crime. (Wait, isn’t that the same reasoning behind how the state of Israel was founded? BAM!)

[Grandma is not going to like that last aside.]

You know, I’m still dead ass tired, so I will get into the environmental implications of creating so much needless garbage in the next day or so. In the meantime, let me nap, then wake up and roll around in my swag like a pig in its own filth.

Among the many freebies at the SXSW Austin Convention Center, there’s one stand that towers over the others in terms of importances: free smokes care of American Spirit. Helping singers attain that delightful rasp and writers calm their fried nerves, American Spirit has been lacing up anyone who ventures onto the 2nd floor smoking patio.

They were certainly one of the highlights of my 2006 SXSW podcasts (available for your listening pleasure at Synthesis Radio. Hi Dain! Sweet plug, eh? Balls!), and are continuing to help me through my nights and make me feel like a coal miner in the morning. (I mean that in a good way.) After last night’s chain smoking mania I’ve switched to their Ultra Lights. Hopefully, less phlegm gems that way.

Did You Know: American Spirits don’t have preservatives, so it’s best to keep them in the fridge after you open a pack. I had no idea. Kinda makes sense, but honestly, I don’t see myself crowding my condiments with cigarette packs.

Did You Know: You shouldn’t pack your pack. They come pre-packed, so by tapping the box it’s actually going to make the stick harder to light. Did not know that, but I suck at packing my smokes anyway. They also have 25% more tobacco than other “king sized cigarettes.”

Did You Know: They are the only American cigarette that has “no chemicals,” as they say. (Fishy. Isn’t nicotine technically a chemical? Any chemists out there please set me straight if I’m wrong on this.)

Did You Know: Smoking is still really shitty for you. No way around that. But at least here at SXSW, that cancer is free and they’ll give you two packs if you talk them up, four if you mention that you’re about to blog about them…

Here’s to slow, delicious suicide:

Copy-Pasta courtesy of the New Music Tipsheet.

List after the jump or if you want to download the pdf go here brah:

Photo of the 2007 SXSW Synthesis / Drive-Thru Dayparty at Emo’s by Melissa Hellaver

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As we all know, the ol’ USA’s days as top dog are numbered. When China ascends to its rightful spot as world leader, I’ll be ready thanks to TryMango.com. It’s a free language learning site. English language speakers can learn Brazilian Portuguese, Greek, German, French and more through a series of lessons that include sound and tips about conversational speech. If you’re smart like me, though, you’ll get cracking on your Mandarin. Ni hao.

Synthesis teamed up with Shaolin Temple of BooM, who teamed up with photographer Josh Separdazeh and Amp’d Apparel to give back to their loyal fans (srsly, I’ve never seen anything like this fanbase, they’re total zombies for SToB). Check in with synthesis.net, we’re launching a huge massive fatty badass contest on MONDAY, people.

I heard the lead singer David Alvarez is even giving away his perfectly sculpted lips for a day… Sign me up.

Just teasing, David