In celebration of the Olympics starting in two days I bring you… Beer Olympics! Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame quarterback, recently got himself in some hot water for partaking in the Beer Olympics when pictures of the games surfaced. Proof that Facebook really can come back to haunt you.

Basic rules & regulations:

Equipment: Keg (or 2), bat, ping pong balls, hard alcohol, shot glasses, a funnel, red cups, ten+ worthy drunkasses. Matching jerseys will definitely up your teams morale.

Games played, quickly & in order: Dizzy bat, beer pong, flip cup, quarters and the funnel (aka beer bong).

For some reason “The Thong Song” is the theme song of the opening ceremonies and the Baja Men are supposed to play as the winner stands on the podium.

The Rules, Events, and Ways to Become a Champion:

In the real Olympics (the one without the beer) there are multiple events with solo and/or team competitors all vying for medals in a variety of sports. You don’t have the time, energy, or alcohol tolerance to do any of this, so the best way to have the most fun while getting the largest number of competitors involved is the Team Relay event. Take your participants and split them in half, preferably in old school kickball pick-teams style, and be sure to choose your team wisely as they’ll have to be skilled in all areas of drinking and boast a very high alcohol tolerance, an uncanny ability to play drinking games, and most likely an embarrassing GPA. Now that you’ve got your team and forced them through the random drug testing, to make sure that they are inebriated, you can move on to the competition.

The forthcoming Beijing Olympics will be the greatest spectacle in mankind’s history. Not only has it been surrounded by heaps of social and political controversy, but in order to prove to the world how much of a bad ass super power they are, China’s pulling out all the stops.

China has prepared a three-stage program to ensure that rain will not fall on their 91,000 seat, open air Olympic stadium. The plan is pretty fucking insane. First, regional weather will be monitored via planes, satellites, radar and an IBM supercomputer “that executes 9.8 trillion floating point operations per second.”

Secondly, aircraft and an array of 20 artillery and missile launch sites arranged around Beijing will be on-call to “shoot and spray silver iodide and dry ice into incoming clouds that are still far enough away that their rain can be flushed out before they reach the stadium.”

Lastly, something referred to locally as “The Bird’s Nest” will stand as the final line of defense. Heavy rain clouds passing to close to the stadium will be “seeded” with chemicals from the Bird’s Nest in order to shrink rain droplets. According to Zhang Qian, head of Beijing’s Weather Modification Office:

“We use a coolant made from liquid nitrogen to increase the number of droplets while decreasing their average size. As a result, the smaller droplets are less likely to fall, and precipitation can be reduced.”

Currently, the Beijing summer games are just over 130 days away. The ceremonial torch has already been lit and will be in Greece for a while before it’s handed off in Beijing. The torch will make it to US soil on April 9th in San Francisco en route to Buenos Aires. The games run from August 8th through 24th.

Wednesday evening, roughly 10,000 nationalistically devoted Chinese citizens gathered in Tiananmen Square to celebrate the one-year countdown to the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Celebrations included detaining journalists, shutting down Web sites, and running over protesting students with tanks.

Some of the outside events from the 2008 games will likely be postponed or relocated to other areas because of air pollution. Meanwhile, the government still arrests people who proclaim Tibetan Independence, executes political prisoners, and says fuck you to human rights. Sweet.

Here’s a fun game: Look at anything you have that’s plastic - does it say “Made In China” on it? How about your shoes? YOU WIN!

The Olympics were started in Greece. So was the concept of democracy. Fuck China’s government in the face.