Among the many freebies at the SXSW Austin Convention Center, there’s one stand that towers over the others in terms of importances: free smokes care of American Spirit. Helping singers attain that delightful rasp and writers calm their fried nerves, American Spirit has been lacing up anyone who ventures onto the 2nd floor smoking patio.

They were certainly one of the highlights of my 2006 SXSW podcasts (available for your listening pleasure at Synthesis Radio. Hi Dain! Sweet plug, eh? Balls!), and are continuing to help me through my nights and make me feel like a coal miner in the morning. (I mean that in a good way.) After last night’s chain smoking mania I’ve switched to their Ultra Lights. Hopefully, less phlegm gems that way.

Did You Know: American Spirits don’t have preservatives, so it’s best to keep them in the fridge after you open a pack. I had no idea. Kinda makes sense, but honestly, I don’t see myself crowding my condiments with cigarette packs.

Did You Know: You shouldn’t pack your pack. They come pre-packed, so by tapping the box it’s actually going to make the stick harder to light. Did not know that, but I suck at packing my smokes anyway. They also have 25% more tobacco than other “king sized cigarettes.”

Did You Know: They are the only American cigarette that has “no chemicals,” as they say. (Fishy. Isn’t nicotine technically a chemical? Any chemists out there please set me straight if I’m wrong on this.)

Did You Know: Smoking is still really shitty for you. No way around that. But at least here at SXSW, that cancer is free and they’ll give you two packs if you talk them up, four if you mention that you’re about to blog about them…

Here’s to slow, delicious suicide:

The moustache: A symbol of virility. A warning sign that you are NOT to be fucked with. A great opening to chatting with random dudes at SXSW.

“Sweet ’stache, man.” Honestly, I make these kind of comments to random dudes when they have sweet facial hair, and it’s not out of some deep seated latent homosexuality (maybe), but out of honest appreciation of a well groomed and styled face-mane.

I’ve been working on my ’stache for a short time, only recently moving beyond moustache 101. But I still relish getting tips from Advanced Students of the hirsute arts. Following The Death Set’s Wednesday afternoon Emo’s performance I found myself outside and close to a dude with a sweet ’stache. “Dude, That’s A Sweet Moustache.” Instantly we were comrads in meaningful conversation. His name, of all things, was Mortimer, and Dude was rad. He gave me a few tips, which I am happy to impart upon you, dear readers.

Tip #1: Use Clubman

Mortimer’s moustache, black and full, was styled perfectly into curly tips with the aid of the fine wax from Clubman. I too use Clubman, but mine was not nearly as perfect as his, which lead me to even more sagacious advice:

Tip #2: Don’t Touch the Moustache. “As much as you can, avoid touching your moustache after you apply the wax. The oils in your fingers really mess it up.” He commented that I had a “nice work in progress,” but that I had obviously touched my moustache after styling it, hence rendering it unfurled and no longer totally sweet.

Today I took his advice, and for a minute I was, if not world class, at least notable for my curly Qs. However, soon the right side was a broom instead of a bale. Why? Drinks.

Tip #3: Never get your moustache wet. Never. Unless it’s from, uh, “intimate activities.” Sweet ’staches sometimes bring that, and that may be the best wax of all. But coffee and alcohol will ruin your styling if you’re not careful.

No go forth, children of rad facial pursuits, and learn from Mortimer’s wisdom. Start off slow, but if you feel ready for Advanced Studies, or just an impressive array of possibilities, consult Worldbeardchampionships.com.

Men as peacocks. BEHOLD!

Try as they might, no one at SXSW comes even close to this champion. Bring it.

If anyone out there knows who these two random street corner shredders are, please report to me, Ryan Prado. There’s more than a good chance I was just drunk, but I’m almost pretty sure that these two dudes, playing SUPER swampy death blues on some corner in Downtown Austin last night, were the best band of the entire festival. And they aren’t even a sanctioned attraction. You can just roll up on dudes like this who are feeling it deep down.

My hands are literally shaking with anticipation to get out there and do this damn thing again. AP’s showcase starts in mere minutes at the rooftop of Speakeasy, featuring some DJs, free booze and food (two things I totally need, right?).

Expect updates as my BAC escalates…

So I typed up this really enchanting bit of journalistic brilliance just now, full of shout outs to Brooklyn, NY’s, Dub Trio for being super rad to myself and Video Matt for our interview, with subtle jabs at the head of security at the Four Seasons for unlawfully discriminating against Video Matt for toting his camera around the lobby, and basically saying that I don’t hate Does It Offend You, Yeah anymore.

But then the goddamn Internets went and sullied up my prose and deleted it forever from anywhere. So, with that in mind, this next blog will be a bit truncated.

The Short And Skinny: I exited the elevator this morning to the grizzled countenance of one Lyle Lovett. Apparently, the Four Seasons plays host to an early morning radio program that’s filmed live and Mr. Lovett was the guest of honor.

I interviewed Dub Trio a couple of hours ago here in our hotel room. ‘Twas magical in every way magic can be.

There are way too many parties to attend right now, but journalism is journalism; the show must go on. Speaking of shows, tonight Serj Tankian, Tom Morello and a bunch of other super rock heroes will be playing at Stubb’s, as well as The Weakerthans and the Victory Records Showcase. Hot damn!

Expect a more detailed hullabaloo very soon… I have to fix my brain…

Unlike the rest of my SXSW traveling brethren, I’ve actually been eating sometimes. Usually while running from one place to the next. Austin’s on-the-go dinner options are pretty varied, but there’s a certain comfort in partaking in the familiar while staying in an unfamiliar place. Hot dogs and pizza are street side standbys in cities all over the country, and Austin is no exception, the most prominent stops on the 6th Street corridor being the Best Wurst and Roppolo’s Pizzeria

I don’t know if their boastful title is true or not, but the Best Wurst beats Roppolo’s Pizzeria hands down. Both are readily available and in easy stumbling distance from whatever bar you just fell out of. Roppolo’s is kind enough to stay open ’til 3 AM and serve you a gigantic, alcohol sopping slice of pizza, but sponging up all those free vodka drinks seems to be the only thing it’s good for. Well, that and it’s a cheap alternative for a high colonic.

The Best Wurst is pretty much the same deal. It’s good, hot and cheap, but, as far as I can tell, sans the intestinal distress. For now at least. Wish me luck.

Just kidding. I got nothing.